


Silent

by Rawrlove19



Category: Janoskians
Genre: Burning, Cutting, Depression, Fighting, Gen, Hate, Original Female Character - Freeform, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Twins, Twitter, YouTube, argument, brooksbrothers, daresundays, ex-friends, friends - Freeform, haters, not main focus, self hate, self mutilation, twintalktime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-10-12 19:10:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 23,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10497654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rawrlove19/pseuds/Rawrlove19
Summary: Jai gets told off by his brothers for being an annoyance. Suddenly, a simple fight escalates into something so much more and leaves Jai hurting and broken. He decides the best action to take is simply to live in silence. Never to speak again.





	1. Chapter 1

The boys don't want me to talk anymore? Fine. I'll give them what they want. I'll stop talking if I'm such a nuisance.

Flashback:

I had thought we were all having a good time. Everyone was laughing just like any other day. That was until I put my phone down for a minute and got more involved in the conversation going on around me. I guess that was a big mistake. Luke immediately got irritated with me and Beau and Daniel started to whisper back and forth to one another. I was a little confused, but I just ignored it. I can be kind of ditzy sometimes, so that wasn't something new.

"Jai!" Luke suddenly screamed. "Will you just shut up already. We don't care. No one cares about anything you say. It's all just stupid stuff anyways."

"What?" I asked, surprised at what my twin had yelled at me. I couldn't understand what I had done wrong. I was just talking like usual. It kind of hurt, but a lot of things my twin said to me hurt on a daily basis. I always ignored his harsh words. We were twins, that was almost a guarantee to arguing. However, Luke had never said anything like this to me before. It hurt.

"You heard me." Luke was still angry with me. Beau had even started to give me hurtful looks. Daniel soon joined him. That was weird. They were never supposed to take sides in mine and Luke's fights. It wasn't fair.

"Jai just stop." Beau interjected, stopping me before I could say anything. He really had taken Luke's side. I frowned. How could they do that to me?

"Why are you taking his side?" I raised my voice. Beau immediately became even angrier. Luke saw this and stuck his tongue out while Beau wasn't looking.

"Just shut up, Jai. You're so annoying! I swear. Why don't you leave and annoy someone else for awhile?" While we had had plenty of fights in the past, neither of my brothers had ever to,d me to leave. 

I sat there for a few more minutes, just listening to my brothers and Daniel laugh together like I wasn't even there. I felt a burning sensation behind my eyelids, but I refused to cry. I refused to let myself be that weak. 

Fun fact. I used to cry a lot growing up. I was pretty weak and it was disgusting. Luke would comfort me at first, but eventually he got sick of how weak I truly was. He eventually stopped caring about how sensitive I am, and that was the same day I vowed to never cry in front of him ever again.

I silently got up off the couch and walked to the door. No one seemed to actually care that I was about to leave. Daniel glanced at me, but shook his head and tuned back to Beau and Luke. Some friends they are. I pushed open the door and walked out into the cold night air. I didn't have a jacket on, but who really cared if I ended up sick. Not my brothers. That was for sure.

Flashback over

That leads me to where I am now. I don't know if this was the best idea I've had, but what's the point in talking if no one actually wants you to. There's not. I bet they would actually start being nicer to me if I just stopped.

I'm simply a nuisance.

I had made it a few blocks away from my house. I passed an alleyway and couldn't help myself. I walked to the back of it and slid down to sit against the wall. Heaving a shuddering breathe, I slowly let the tears flow out.

I'm not their brother anymore. They lost me the minute they didn't stop me from leaving. I've been told before that I should let my brothers walk all over me, but I never believed those people. My brothers would never hurt me if they could help it. 

Tonight, those people proved to be right about everything. My brothers had hurt me, and now my heart felt like it had been ripped in half. Better yet, it felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest, leaving an empty cavity in its place. That's what I felt right now. Empty.

It's my own fault though. I should've just stayed silent.


	2. Chapter 2

After I finally stopped crying, I made my way back to the house. I didn't want to go home, but I had nowhere else to go. The world pretty much hated me because of our YouTube videos, so I knew I pretty much had to go home. I was still kind of sensitive about what had happened before I left, but there was nothing I could do. Except maybe go to bed and never leave the warm blankets ever again, but then again I needed food. Food was always good. Especially the pasta.

I paced outside the door for at least 10 minutes before I finally went inside. The boys were still in the same spots I left them in. If anything they seemed to be having even more fun than when I left. They even brought out the alcohol. There's no way I was taking care of drunk people. Especially drunk people that had just treated me horribly. 

I didn't bother to talk to any of them. Instead, I just headed straight up the stairs and into my room. I took my phone out and started to play some Elvis music. I don't really know what it was about Elvis that seemed to calm me down, but whenever I was really struggling I just had to listen to him and I would immediately feel 20x better.

This time, however, not even the king himself could help me. I felt abandoned and betrayed and like no one actually cared about me. I threw myself face down on my bed. I just wanted to sleep. I really liked to sleep. It helped get my mind off of stuff I didn't want to think about like nothing else.

Sleep refused to come to me.

Sighing, I got up and retrieved my guitar. I started to play along to the music I had playing in the background. Eventually, I got tired of that too. 

Sometimes, you start to feel so sad that nothing helps. You're just forced to walk around with a giant hole in your chest, that absolutely nothing can fix. Then, you just constantly have an emptiness inside of you that literally drains your life away.

When I was younger. Around 13 years old, I think. I was diagnosed with severe depression. I had freaked my entire family out to the point my Mum took me to a therapist.

I was so sad that I had stopped eating. Then, eventually I had stopped sleeping as well. I was basically barely functioning. I think that was when Luke and I started to drift apart. He was content on his laptop watching movies or YouTube videos, but I was distant and basically crying out for help it took forever to receive.

My weight had dropped so drastically that my school ended up calling my Mum. It was then that she took me to see a therapist. She was a nice, petite woman that seemed to really care about helping me. She prescribed me some anti-depressants and my world became brighter. I was eventually able to quit taking them, but lately the haters have been getting to me. That combined with what my brothers said to me made my depression feel like it was coming back full-force.

I couldn't really tell though, it had merely been a few hours. Not nearly long enough to tell if I needed my meds again.  
-  
I woke up the next morning feeling worse than I did the night before. I didn't even want to get out of bed, but I knew I had to. If I didn't I would just annoy Luke even further when he had to wake me up to film. Although, I knew that I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. I was too emotionally drained for that. 

It wasn't long until Luke came barging in through my door. I immediately wanted to tell him everything, but I stopped myself. If he didn't want me to talk to him, then I wasn't going to. 

"Jai! Get out of bed. We have lots to do today." Luke yelled from where he stood by the door. I didn't move. I wanted to, but at the same time I couldn't let myself. Luke took a closer step to my bed, and found out I was actually wide awake. "Oh. You're not asleep. Hurry up and get up."

Luke left the room, but I still couldn't get up. I didn't want to. 15 minutes later Luke came back in to find me still in bed.

"Come on, Jai. For once in your life quit being selfish and get out of bed. We have a lot to do today and you just laying there isn't really helping right now." Luke nagged. I looked down before getting up wordlessly. Luke stood there like he was waiting for me to say something to him, but I knew it wasn't worth it. He was just trying to instigate me. I knew I wasn't selfish. I cared too much about my friends and family. Luke, however, seemed set on thinking that I was selfish, and has told all of our fans this countless times in the past.

Honestly, it made me feel like crap.

"Are you even going to say something to me?" Luke asked, raising an eyebrow at me. I wordlessly shook my head. It wasn't worth it. "Is this about last night?! Quit being such a baby, Jai!" Luke scoffed and walked out of my room.

I knew he was obviously mad at me, but I really couldn't bring myself to care at this point. So, I got dressed and miserably made my way downstairs.

"About time! Wow!" Luke complained. I put my head down. I didn't want to fight. I don't even want to talk.

"Aww is little Jye upset?" Beau teased, making me shoot him a glare. I ignored him, but that's what I usually do with Beau. He's not worth it in the end, and I could already tell today was going to be a bad day.


	3. Chapter 3

Recap:  
"Are you even going to say something to me?" Luke asked, raising an eyebrow at me. I wordlessly shook my head. It wasn't worth it. "Is this about last night?! Quit being such a baby, Jai!" Luke scoffed and walked out of my room.

I knew he was obviously mad at me, but I really couldn't bring myself to care at this point. So, I got dressed and miserably made my way downstairs.

"About time! Wow!" Luke complained. I put my head down. I didn't want to fight. I don't even want to talk.

"Aww is little Jye upset?" Beau teased, making me shoot him a glare. I ignored him, but that's what I usually do with Beau. He's not worth it in the end, and I could already tell today was going to be a bad day.

~

I kept my head down as I grabbed a quick bowl of cereal. I sat at the table and stared down at it. I wasn't really hungry, but I knew I needed to eat something. We were supposed to be filming today, so I needed to make sure I had enough energy for the video.

"It's not like it's going to bite you, Jai." Luke spoke, sitting down next to me. I glanced up at him, before returning my gaze down to my bowl of cereal. I moved the spoon around, but didn't bring it up to my mouth. I just didn't want to eat today. Luke gave me a questioning look, but I didn't respond.

"Jai?" Luke tried again. I glanced up at him. I couldn't do this any longer. I was about to give in and talk to my twin brother, but Beau quickly changed my mind.

"He's just sulking, Luke. We'll just leave and film without him while he stays here and gets over himself!" Beau huffed. He didn't really care. No one cares about me. Especially Beau. I felt a tear slip down my face. Luckily, nobody saw it. 

I let my spoon drop out of my hand and clatter into my bowl. I didn't understand what was going on, or why Beau didn't want me to film. I hurriedly ran back up to my room and crawled into my closet. I was starting to panic slightly. My breathes were starting to get shaky and I couldn't stop thinking about how unwanted I really am. 

I'm merely a waste of space, trapped living a life where I'm only a burden to the people around me. It was obvious that I only got in the way. That was clear to me based on what happened last night as well as this morning.

I pulled out my phone and logged into my twitter in an attempt to distract myself from my poisoning thoughts. I didn't think it was possible for Beau to hurt me more than he already has, but I was clearly proven wrong. Beau had made several tweets complaining about me to the fans. He said stuff about how apparently it was my fault that they couldn't film the video we had planned for DareSundays. Beau even mentioned that I was dragging the Janoskians down, and if anyone was a true fan they would confront me about it.

And of course they had.

Many fans had flooded my DMs with hate. They told me that I should just leave the Janoskians and never come back. One told me to get myself run over, and several others  were very similar to that. They basically all told me how much they truly hated me and wanted me dead.

I didn't blame them. 

I decided to compose a new tweet: 'You've all been sending me messages lately telling me his worthless I am. I'm not mad. Just saying thanks for putting me in perspective.'

After that posted I made another: 'Funny how 90% of fans tell me to die, but I still can't find a reason to get angry with them. Guess I really am that worthless.'

I logged off my twitter and stuck my phone back in my pocket. I probably shouldn't have done that, but it was too late now. If I deleted it, it would just turn into something bigger than it already was. 

I'm so stupid.

I brought my fist up and starting smashing it hard against my forehead. It hurt really bad, but I deserved it. I was so caught up in doing this, that I didn't even notice someone walk into my room until my hand was roughly jerked down and I was dragged out of my closet.

After the surprise wore off, I looked at the person that interrupted me. It was a face extremely similar to the one I see in the mirror. It was none other than my twin brother. His face was red and his eyes held a fire to them. Luke was obviously very angry, but I didn't understand why. I was just giving myself the punishment I deserved. Should I have asked him to do it for me?

"What do you think you're doing?" Luke questioned me angrily. I merely shrugged my shoulders. I didn't even think about it, to be honest. "Answer me, Jai!"

I remained quiet. If I didn't want to talk, them I wasn't going to talk. It was that simple. Luke couldn't actually make me talk. He was just angry and thought he could.

"Fine ignore me then!" Luke seethed, "I don't really care, just let me look at your forehead." Without warning Luke grasped my face in his hands and tilted my head a little to get a good look at my forehead. Judging by the look on his face, it wasn't good.

"This is definitely going to bruise..." Luke murmured before pushing my face away. My eyes widened. I didn't realize it was that bad. I reached up to touch the spot I made, and winced when I felt a shock of pain. Luke's eyes went wide and he jerked my wrist down again. "Stop it Jai! You were hurting yourself. I'm not sure what your problem is, but..." Luke broke off as his voice cracked a little. He suddenly turned to my wall and punched it hard.

I reached out to him, and I grabbed his wrist in my own hand. His knuckles had turned bright red and I could feel them throbbing under my touch.

Luke shook my hand off  and pushed me over to my bed.

"Just get some sleep Jai. I think you really need some right now." Luke commanded.

If only it was really that easy.


	4. Chapter 4

After I had laid in bed for a few hours, I got out of bed and made my way to find Luke. Although, he didn't care about me, I still needed his comfort.

I walked to his room and knocked lightly on the door before letting myself inside. Looking around I noticed he wasn't there. That's strange. Luke practically lived in his room.

I sighed to myself and debated on whether I wanted to go downstairs or not. I might just murder Beau if given the chance to. He was such a jerk sometimes, even on a good day. But what he said to me earlier was too much, even for him. I decided I needed my twin, even if no one actually needed me. As I made my was down to the kitchen, I couldn't help but want to run back up to my room and burrow into my bed.

"Did some little princess decide to finally stop sulking?" I heard Beau's teasing voice before I saw him. My hands started to shake. I wanted so badly just to punch him in the face, but I didn't. I had done enough damage for one day. 

"What's going on?" Luke asked, walking into the room. I was so happy to see my twin. I really needed him right now. I immediately ran and hugged him, burying my face into his shoulder. 

"Such a diva..." Beau murmured from behind me, causing me to hold onto Luke tighter.

"Get off!" Luke barked, shoving me harshly off of him. I should have expected him to do that, but for some reason I didn't. Luke would hug Beau easily off camera, but I didn't get that luxury. Sometimes, I truly believed my twin brother hated me.

I backed away from both of them. I felt so miserable in that moment. I felt like life wasn't worth living, and that there was nothing that could possibly change that. I let tears slide down my face, not even caring that Beau and Luke were standing right there. 

Beau started laughing, of course.

"Baby Brooks going to cry now?" He whined in a patronizing tone. I really, really wanted to punch him now. "Wow, and I thought those tweets were bad enough. My names Jai Brooks and I think I'm a worthless human being!" Beau mocked. I looked over at Luke. He was fighting to keep a smirk off of his face. 

They really didn't care. They hadn't even noticed I wasn't talking. I took off running to my room and locked myself in my bathroom. I was about to do something I hadn't done in a long time. 

I was going to cut.

No one ever knew I cut myself. They thought I was just more reserved. I had, though. My thighs are completely covered in faded scars that will never go away completely. That's why I always wore longer shorts or pants in videos while everyone else stripped down to their boxers.

I opened the linen closet and took out something I never thought I would look inside ever again. It was my special box. I created it when things were still bad. At that point in time, I never expected things to actually get any better. I found a black box of my Mum's that she had previously used to store jewelry during trips, but never really used anymore. Inside I stored several blades I had broken out of razors, a lighter, and a bottle of my old antidepressants. I never expected to actually use them. It was more like a last resort type of thing.

I took out one of the sharp blades and lowered my sweatpants. I stared hard at all of the thin, white scars that stood out to me, but were really only noticeable if you were looking at them. They were absolutely disgusting, and I hated that I was about to create even more scars to join them. I needed it, though. 

I lowered blade until the cool, silver metal was pressed against my warm, milky skin. It had been a while since I had last done it, so I was a little hesitant. I was able to find the courage I needed, and I pressed down hard and slid the blade across my thigh. Within no time at all, blood was seeping out of the freshly made wound.

I had missed it. Badly.

I made several more cuts on my thighs, before finally stopping. I went back to my linen closet and hid my box again. I also retrieved a towel and soaked it in warm water. Sitting down on the edge of the tub, I cleaned myself up.

I was ashamed of myself, but I really needed it. I didn't realize how badly I had needed it until I had actually done it. What did I learn from the entire thing?

I needed to be put back on anti-depressants for the time being. It's kind of twisted if you really think about it, to enjoy cutting into your own flesh. 

Sighing, I pulled up my sweatpants and walked back into my room. I almost shrieked in surprise to find Luke on my bed. My heart started to beat heavily in fear. Luke could of found out at any moment what I was doing in the bathroom.

"Hey." Luke said as he looked up at me. "I saw your tweets."

I shrugged my shoulders at him. I could almost see the vein in his head start to jump.

"Jai. Do you even realize what are fans are going to think about those tweets? You need to start thinking before you do stuff like that." Luke scolded me. At first, I thought he was going to comfort me. I was so wrong about that. I pulled up Beau's tweets that caused me to post my tweets and showed them to Luke.

"This is why you tweeted those things?" Luke asked.

I nodded my head.

"It's Beau, Jai." Luke scoffed, "Thats just how he is. All of our fans know that. You should have been smart about it."

"Get out." I spoke quietly. I meant to say it louder, but my voice was a little rough from disuse.

"What?" Luke froze. He looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"I said get out!" I spoke a little louder and with a lot more venom in my tone. Luke stared at me before nodding and leaving my room.

I flopped down on my bed. Luke had some nerve telling me off for something Beau did. It made me even sadder, just thinking about it. I decided that because of that sadness and what I did in the bathroom, I needed to get help. I needed to be put on anti-depressants again. I pulled out my phone and googled the number for my old psychiatrist.

"Hello, this is Jai Brooks. I was a patient of Dr. King's a few years back, and I was needing to schedule an appointment with her again."


	5. Chapter 5

I had an appointment with Dr. King in two days. I wish it was now, but at the same time I wish that it never comes. It's kind of weird how you know you need help, but at the same time your mind tries to prevent you from actually getting that help.

I obviously needed help. I had apparently freaked Luke out, and he never freaks out. He was the one who didn't even bat an eye when I would cry my heart out as a teenager. 

Luke was right about a bruise forming on my forehead. When I woke up this morning, I looked in the mirror and saw a huge bruise spread across my forehead. No one else has seen it yet, but I don't think Beau will even care. 

I sighed as I made my way out of my room and towards the kitchen. I hadn't even much in a couple of days and I could already tell I was starting to lose a bit of weight from it. I needed food in my body now, before anyone got too suspicious. I was already not talking. If I stopped eating on top of that, it wouldn't be good.

I wasn't even mad at my brothers anymore. I kind of liked not talking. I didn't say any of the usual things I say that just makes everyone angry. 

"Jai-Jai!" Beau sing-singed pouncing on me. I pushed him off of me before continuing to the fridge for some water and an apple. "Are you still mad at me?"

I shook my head no. I really wasn't angry, and I don't think I really ever was. I was mainly just hurt.

I left Beau standing in the kitchen and started to head back to my room. Before I could make it, though, someone grabbed me and dragged me onto another room. It was Luke again.

"Jai. We need to talk." Luke squeezed his eyes shut. "No better yet. Why aren't you talking?"

I shrugged. I didn't want to talk. It was pointless to talk.

"Jai talk to me. I'm your twin. You can't just leave me like this. You have to-"

"Like you ever cared." I whispered before I could stop myself.  My voice came out a little hoarse and husky since I hadn't really used it much in a couple of days.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Luke got in my face. He was obviously angry about what I had said to him.

I covered my waes with my hands and shook my head. I messed up once, but that didn't mean I was going to make the same mistake. I shouldn't talk. I it make things worse when I do.

"I know you can talk, Jai. I just heard you." Tears started to form in Luke's eyes. I couldn't take it anymore. I pushed him away and ran back to my room. I couldn't do this. That was for sure.

I ran to my bathroom. I decided I needed to add a few more cuts to my collection. I just had to talk and ruin everything. I yanked down my pants and pretty soon there were bloody cuts added to the already bright red scars on my thighs.

-  
It took forever, but the two days had passed. My appointment was at 8:00 this morning, so I figured I could slip out undetected and make it back before anyone noticed I was gone.

I debated not even walking in the office I knew so well. I was fine. I was simply being dramatic.

Tell that to my thighs.

I took a deep breathe and walked inside the office. After signing myself in, I took a seat and started shaking my leg anxiously. I didn't want to be here, but I knew I needed to do this.

"Jai Brooks." I heard my named called, before following a short brunette into the office I had spent so much time in as a young teenager.

"Jai!" Dr. King spoke warmly as I sat down in her office. "How nice to see you again."

"You too, Dr. King." I anxiously rubbed my hands on my thighs before hissing in pain. I noticed Dr. King purse her lips at this action.

"So, Jai." She started, "What's going on? I know it has to be something for you to come back to see me willingly."

"I've just..." I trailed off. "I've just been having some trouble lately."

"I see." She wrote something down in a notebook. "Care to elaborate?"

"Bad thoughts." I rushed out, "I've been having really bad, depressing thoughts lately...thoughts I don't want to say out loud."

"Okay, what about bad habits?" She gave me a pointed look. This is why I trusted Dr. King. She didn't care if I refused to talk about something, she just honestly wanted to help me. "Have you slipped back into any old habits?"

"I've started to self-harm again." I confessed. 

"I'm glad you told me, Jai. Were you wanting to try anti-depressants again?"

"Yeah."

"I'm going to prescribe the same one as last time." She paused writing something down. "You're a bit older now, so it could possibly affect you differently this time. If that happens I want you to call immediately and we'll try something else."

"Thanks." I murmured.

"Okay and I guess I'll see you in two weeks." She scribbled something down on a different paper and handed it to me. "Just give this to Sharon and your good to go."  
-  
The pharmacy was able to get my prescription in right away, so I decided to pick up my anti-depressants before heading home.

I stared down at the orange and white bottle in my hand. I thought I was passed this. I was better, but now I know how wrong about that I was. I sighed for the millionth time today. 

It was 11:00 by the time I finally made it home. The boys were no doubt awake, and I didn't know if they knew I was gone or not. I braced myself as I shoved my meds in my pocket and pushed the door open. I was met with a pacing Luke and a confused Beau.

"Where were you!?" Luke yelled, making me jump. I knew this was one occasion I actually had to talk to him.

"Nowhere. Just went for a walk." I avoided Luke's gaze. He always could tell when I was lying. Luke dramatically rolled his eyes at my answer. 

"Okay. Sure, and I'm an only child." He said sarcastically. I rolled my eyes and pushed past him, grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, and headed up to my room. I took my pills out and removed one from the bottle. I quickly swallowed it before hiding the bottle in my dresser. No one could find out about them.


	6. Chapter 6

I felt weird. I had been taking my anti- depressants for a few days now, and it was almost like I couldn't feel anything. I wasn't happy. I wasn't sad. I was just numb. I thought feeling empty was bad, but being numb was entirely different. I decided not to say anything to Dr. King about it. I might just need more time to adjust.

I turned over in my bed and was surprised to see Luke there. I had forgotten he had crawled into my bed after having a nightmare last night. He should've just went to Beau. I'm no help. I can barely handle my own problems right now. It wasn't often Luke chose to be this close to me, and I savored the contact. It was a form of comfort even if Luke didn't realize that's what he was doing. I snuggled down under my blankets and was about to close my eyes again when Luke's own eyes popped open.

"Jai?" Luke groggily murmured as he took in his surroundings. "Oh. Sorry for disturbing you last night."

I nodded my head in response before hugging my twin. I knew he was just going to push me off like usual, but I really needed someone. I was right. Luke slowly extricated himself from my grip and moved to the edge of my bed. My twin really did hate me. Before I could stop myself, I felt hot tears start to rush down my face. I should've felt weak and pathetic because I knew I couldn't cry in front of Luke, but I only felt numb. The numbness made me cry harder. I dug a hand into my thigh to try to get a flash of pain and it worked. My tears started to slow down and I was able to make eye con tact with Luke.

"Jai, what just happened?" Luke looked petrified. His eyes were wide and they shone with his own unshed tears. "I'm sorry for whatever it was I did. You don't have to talk to anyone else, but will you at least talk to me."

I thought about it. Luke was my twin brother. Although we haven't exactly been close in years, he was still the person I trusted the most. I nodded my head. I refused to talk to Beau, but I could at least talk to Luke a little bit.

"Okay." I whispered, before coughing. My voice was strained since I haven't exactly been using it that much.

"What's going on with you?" Luke asked. I brought my knees up to my chest as I sat up.

"Nothing, I just realized a few things." I sighed. Luke wouldn't understand. He would just hate me more than he already does now.

"You've been upset and refusing to talk for a week now, Jai. It has to be something." Luke reasoned. I buried my face in my knees. I didn't want to disappoint him. I was a mistake, and he was nearly perfect. My family probably would have been better off without. Maybe our dad would have stayed if I wasn't around.

"I- it's nothing, Luke. Can't I just not talk if I don't want to talk?" I asked gruffly.

"If you don't want to talk that's fine. However, if it's for extended periods of time that is not fine at all. Let me in, Jai. I care-" I cut Luke off right there.

"No you don't. You haven't cared in a long time." I bit out, chuckling darkly.

"You said something like that the other day, too." Luke sighed, "I don't know where you got that from, but it's not true at all."

"Whatever. Can we stop talking now. I'm done." I tried, causing Luke to huff in annoyance.

"Sure. How about we talk about the nightmare I had?" Luke suggested.

"Or we could just not talk at all." I suggested back. Luke rolled his eyes at me.

"I had a dream that you killed yourself..." Luke trailed off. My breathe caught in my throat. I can't say that the thought hasn't ever crossed my mind. I even had a whole box prepared to off myself with if it ever came down to that.

"That's crazy! Why would you ever even think about something like that?" I chuckled. Luke looked at me with sad eyes before doing the unexpected.

He hugged me.

"I'm sorry." Luke breathed, "Growing up, when things had started to get bad, I was never there for you. I was never exactly understanding about your depression. Then, you collapsed at school and I-I just freaked and pushed you away."

"Luke, stop."

"No! I wasn't there for you when I should have been! It's my fault you got so bad, but I was angry at you. You stopped eating and sleeping. You didn't even try to let me in. You were just going to let yourself waste away and leave me. Just like you're doing now!"

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm fine." I laughed, hugging my twin tighter. I wasn't really fine, but he didn't need to worry about me.

"Don't lie to me, Jai. You're not fine. I can feel how thin you're getting again. When's the last time you even ate a proper meal?"

"I j-just haven't been hungry lately." I needed to get him off my trail. He didn't need to worry. I had pills for that now.

"There's more to it than that and we both know that!" Luke argued. I clammed up again, refusing to talk. I was numb right now, but that didn't mean I had to make Luke suffer.


	7. Chapter 7

I've been avoiding both of my brothers for the past week. Ever since I had that conversation with Luke, I felt like I couldn't even look him in the eye anymore. I didn't deserve to look at anyone anymore.

The bad thoughts were getting stronger so I was able to get my appointment bumped up a little. I don't think these anti- depressants are working like they should. The only bad thing was my appointment was at 3pm, so that was almost a guarantee of someone seeing me leave.

I hurriedly snuck past my brothers who were watching movies on the couch. As luck would have it, the door creaked as soon as I opened it. Two annoying heads whipped to my direction at the sudden noise, but I was already gone.

-  
As soon as I arrived in the waiting room, I noticed there was a girl staring at me. I started to get nervous. What if she was a fan? If she was, and she leaked, 'Jai Brooks is receiving Mental Help', then that would not be good publicity. I put my hood farther down my face to try to hide from her. It obviously didn't work because she walked over and sat down next to me.

"You're Jai Brooks, aren't you?" The mystery girl asked. I gulped nervously. She was a fan and that was not good.

"Yes, I am." I decided to just be honest. I did not want to cause a scene.

"Well, then." she smiled, scaring me a little bit. 

"Look. Please don't tell anyone you saw me here today. That would not be good for my image.

"Image?" She raised an eyebrow at me before rolling her eyes dramatically. "I don't care about your image?"

"What do you want?" I groaned.

"I don't want anything from you, Jai. I'm more of a Luke girl." She chuckled. "I guess I could take pity, though. Hmm. Hand me your phone."

"What?" I was confused. Why did this strange girl want my phone? I didn't even know her name, yet she wanted me to hand her my phone. 

"Tick tock. We don't have all day, Jai-Jai!" Mystery girl demanded. She was very pushy, too. I decided to take a chance and handed her my phone.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Obviously giving you my number, so I can just manipulate you later when we both have more time." She replied like that was the most obvious answer in the world. She handed my phone back to me after tapping on it a few more times. I was honestly very confused. She gave me her number just like that.

"How do you know I'll actually call you?" I asked curiously.

"You will. Trust me." 

I was about to say something back to her, but my name was called. I couldn't help but wonder what she wanted me to do. Then again, she said she was a Luke girl, so she probably just wanted to meet my twin.

I walked into Dr. King's office with a heavy mind and an even heavier heart. I don't really understand why so many of our fans seem to prefer Luke to me. It hurts a lot, but it's worse when they have the nerve to say it to my face. I know I'm not Luke, but we are twins so that has to count for at least something.

"Ah, Jai. Nice to see you!" Dr. king greeted cheerfully. "Let's just get down to business. Did you have a bad reaction to the anti-depressants I prescribed?"

"I've just been feeling really numb and empty since I started taking them. I don't really remember it being like that last time."

"Well, you are a little older now. Do you happen to take any vitamins?" She asked.

"No, I don't take anything except for the antidepressants you subscribed." I was confused. What did vitamins have to do with anything?

"I would like to keep you on this antidepressant for a little longer, but I also want you to go to your local drugstore and purchase a standard Men's MultiVitamin. There's been recent studies showing that vitamins may boost the effectiveness of antidepressants. If that's okay with you, I think it's definitely worth a try." She explained. I thought about it. The antidepressant always worked when I was younger. If a vitamin helped it work again, then that was perfectly okay with me.

"Okay sounds good." I replied.

"Great! Now that that's taken care of. How's your week going? Anything you'd specifically like to talk about?" Dr. king asked. I thought about it. There was just so much going on with me lately. 

"I haven't been talking to anyone except for my twin brother, Luke." I said after thinking for a little while. Dr. King's expression remained impassive, but her eyes held a bit of disappointment in them. I was doing so well. She was the one who had helped me get better, but now I had slipped and fell in that metaphoric rut that so many people warned me about last time.

"Why haven't you been talking, Jai?" She asked.

"People get mad at me when I talk. I only ever annoy people, so why should I even deserve to talk?" I reasoned.

"While it is good to not want to annoy people, you can't go your whole life without talking to the majority of people you interact with. What's to say those people aren't annoying to you? You are you and you're unique, Jai. Don't let what others think ruin that."

"But, I've already gone a few weeks without talking. It's normal for me now."

"You can talk whenever you feel ready to talk again, but you don't need to push yourself. Your mental health is more important than trying to avoid upsetting everyone you meet. Are you still self-harming?" Dr. King changed the subject after that last little bit of advice. I didn't really want to tell her, but I feel like I had to. She was trying to help me so I needed to try too.

"Yes. I cut at least once a day, but I'm not ready to stop yet."

"I see. You don't have to, but I think it would be good for you to at least tell one person that you're self-harming, Jai. You're friends and family want to help you, not lose you."

"I'll think about it." I agreed before leaving.

I didn't really have anyone I could tell. No one actually wanted to acknowledge my depression in the past, and I'm pretty sure my Mum would freak out if I told her I cut myself every day. This was really starting to stress me out. As I was walking home, I took my lighter out and clicked the button to make the flame appear. I stared at it. I had always wondered what it would be like to burn myself instead of cutting.

I held the flame against the skin inside my wrist. I immediately jerked my hand back in shock. My wrist was burning quite badly and I could practically smell the burnt skin. It hurt, but not in the same way cutting did. With cutting, I could feel the quick rush of adrenaline. But when I burnt myself, it was a lingering type of pain that wasn't fully going away. I don't know if I liked that or not.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and let me know what you thought! <3

You would think that by now, I would be used to my brothers yelling at me. As soon as I walked through the door, I was met with Luke yelling at me. What he was actually saying, I couldn't tell. That was okay though, because Beau was immediately lecturing me in why it was totally unacceptable to be sneaking out of the house and running away. I listened to him for 10 minutes before asking him to drive me to the store.

"Why couldn't you have just gone while you were out?" He had complained. I rolled my eyes. I haven't talked to him in forever and when I actually do, he complains about what I asked him.

"You know what, Beau? Never mind." I guess I would just wait on Taking a multivitamin. I wasn't important enough for him to waste his time on anyway.

I stomped up to my room in anger, but was stopped by my mother in the hallway. Her eyes were sad, like she was debating with herself. Finally, she hugged me.

"What was that for?" I asked, confused.

"I ran into Dr. King a few days ago, and she was just gushing about how much you've grown into a 'fine young man'." She explained, giving me a pointed look.

"Mum, I...." I couldn't find any words to get me out of this one. She smiled at me.

"Although, I'm sad that you're having mental health issues again, I'm happy that you got help on your own this time. It takes a lot of courage to reach out like that. I'm really proud of you, Jai." She gave me another hug and pinched my cheek affectionately. "Just wait until your brothers hear about this!"

"Mum, about that. I don't want them to know yet." I didn't elaborate on the reason why.

"Well, you are an adult now, so it's your decision." She nodded, "But, as your mother, I think you need to let them know about it."

I smiled at her before continuing in to my room. I didn't like the fact that she knew about it, but at least it was her and not Luke or Beau that found out. They would probably just make things worse if they knew. 

I suddenly remembered 'Mystery Girl', so I pulled out my phone and sear he'd through my contacts. I came across one that said, Olivia. I didn't know any Olivia's, so I came to the conclusion that it must be her. I tapped on her name and called her.

"Hello?" Came mystery girl's voice from the other end.

"Hey, it's Jai Brooks." I spoke. I heard shuffling come from the other side, and then a door closing.

"I didn't actually expect you to call me." She stated bluntly.

"Forgive me if I'm a complete bimbo, Olivia." I laughed.

"You at least figured out my name." She stated. 

"Yep, do you want to grab some coffee and talk tomorrow morning?" I decided to just go ahead and do whatever it takes to shut her up.

"Yeah, 10:00 sound good? I hate mornings."

"Good for me. I do too."

-

I was sort of dreading talking to Olivia tomorrow, but it had to be done. No one needed to find out about my problems. If I had to deal with a crazy fan girl to ensure that secret be kept, then so be it.

"So, I see you're talking again." Luke smirked, coming to sit next to me on the couch later that evening. I shrugged my shoulders at him. I had talked way too much today already, I need to just shut up before I pushed my luck too far.

Luke frowned.

"Jai, you need to talk to me. You know I hate it when you do this." Luke reminded me.

"Sorry." I smiled sheepishly at him.

"Where did you go today?" Be asked, causing me to freeze up.

"I needed some air. It's suffocating just being inside all day, and it's not like we ever record videos anymore."

"I feel like you're hiding something from me." Luke kept on. Sometimes, he was just so stubborn and wouldn't stop when he clearly needed to.

"Luke, I promise you I'm not hiding anything. I just haven't really been myself lately."

"What's wrong with you?" Luke asked worriedly, making me realize that those words probably weren't the best. "Why haven't you been yourself?"

"Nothing's wrong. I've just been thinking a lot. I think I want to get back into art again." I lied. Luke visibly relaxed. Just those words had put his mind at ease bough for me to throw him off.

"That's good to hear, Jai." Luke smiled. I shot him a fake smile back. It shouldn't have been that easy.

"Luke, would it be too much to ask for a hug?" I blurted out. I really needed comfort from my twin right now. I just needed something to show me that he cared. Something to show me that I wasn't alone.

"I am not hugging you, Jai!" Luke laughed. I felt my heart crumble and break in half. 

"I was only joking, relax." I lied. I got up to leave for my room. I glanced back to find Luke had already made himself comfortable on the couch without me there and was now doing something on his phone.

I felt my heart slowly crumble at the sight. My twin just proved to me how pathetic I truly am. I'm not even good enough to earn a hug from him. The worst part was that he had actually laughed at the thought of hugging me.

I absolutely mutilated my wrists that night. I was tempted to go farther, but decided that today wasn't the right time and I hadn't written any notes. Not that anybody would actually read them.


	9. Chapter 9

"What's your problem?" Olivia chuckled as I joined her at Starbucks. This girl definitely had an attitude on her. I sighed and leaned my head on my hand as I twirled the straw in my drink.

"Nothing." I sighed again. "So, what is it you want?"

"Well for starters, I want you to tell me what's wrong." She said sarcastically.

"Why do you even care? You don't even know me." I mumbled. She raised an eyebrow at me as a small smile formed on her face. 

"In case you're forgetting, I am a huge fan of Luke. You happen to be his twin brother, so you figure it out." She reached out and poked me on the nose. I felt a blush start to form on my face at the action. "Ew, why are you blushing, idiot?"

"I get embarrassed easily. It comes with being shy." I explained. Olivia looked at me in disbelief.

"You embarrass yourself everyday. How are you shy?"

"I don't know, I just do what my brothers want me to." I chuckled. She nodded her head in understanding.

"So, going to tell me or not?" She asked again. I bit my lip in thought. 

"Last night, was not a good night for me." I decided to say.

"Why? Someone didn't recognize you?" She quipped.

"No. I haven't really been talking to anyone at all lately, so it's put some strain on my family." Olivia sat up straighter at my words. She probably got mad that I've been ignoring Luke.

"Jai, I don't know what caused you to not want to talk, but don't take that for granted. You have a voice, so you need to use it." She smiled at me sadly.

"I just...my brothers. They wouldn't understand. They'd probably hate me if they found out what I'm hiding."

"What are you hiding?" Olivia leaned in closer to me. Her bright blue eyes seemed to stare right through me. 

"Nothing you need to worry about." 

"That's mean, Jai." She whined, sticking her tongue out at me. "What do they think about you being in therapy, then, if they're that judgmental?"

"Umm..." I searched for something to say, but drew a blank. My silence seemed to speak louder than any words I could have possibly said. Her eyes widened as she realized what I couldn't say.

"They don't know, do they?" She whispered, her face turning white.

"No, and I plan on keeping it that way." I stated sharply. She ducked her head down to stare at her drink as an awkward silence overcame us.

"I want to meet Luke." She said suddenly.

"What?" I was confused.

"That's what I want. I won't say a word if you introduce me. Maybe even set us up to sweeten the deal." She batted her eyelashes at me. I nodded my head.

"Luke would kill me if I tried to set him up, but I can introduce you to him. I think." I agreed.

"Can you really?" She gushed in excitement.

"Yup." I confirmed. "I'll set it up and then text you."

"I'm going to meet Luke Brooks..." Olivia whispered to herself. I had to chuckle at her excitement.

"Don't get too excited." I chuckled. "I'm not really on good terms with Luke right now, so it might be awhile."

"I can wait, as long as you aren't lying." She admitted.  
-  
I made plans with Olivia to meet up in a couple of days for a movie. Apparently, she wanted to keep tabs on me and make sure I kept my promise. I had a soft smile on my face as I walked into my house that afternoon.

"You're in a strangely good mood." Beau commented, scaring me. I didn't even see him when I walked in. I just shrugged at him in response before going to find Luke. He was actually in his room editing videos. That was odd, we hadn't filmed anything lately.

"Did you film without me or something?" I asked from behind him. He glance at me for a second before nodding his head.

"Yeah. You haven't exactly been approachable lately. We had no choice, but to film without you." He shrugged like it was no big deal. I felt a knife stab itself into my heart and twist around.

"Oh." I mumbled. "Sorry, I haven't been available."

"Sorry we're not good enough for you anymore." Luke mumbled back.

"It's not like that, Luke. It really isn't."

"Sure, and I'm 8 feet tall." He quipped. I stared at him. I didn't know how to explain that I wasn't mentally able to function at the moment without actually telling him the truth.

"I'm sorry, Luke. I've just had a lot on my mind lately." I finally decided to say. It still wasn't good enough for him.

"Really, because to me it seems like the only thing you've been able to do is ignore us. You know your family. The people that care about you, and that would do literally anything for you. Guess you're just way too selfish to care about us like we care about you." Luke snapped. Him snapping at me only caused me to explode.

"Well, sorry I didn't want to tell you that I'm back on antidepressants!" I screamed. "I'm just so selfish that I wanted to save you from that burden!"

The room was silent for a few moments until it dawned on both of us exactly what I had said. I quickly slapped a hand over my mouth in terror. Luke wasn't supposed to find out about that. It was one of the few things I refused to tell him. Every time he even remotely hears about me being depressed, he pushes me away in disgust.

"What did you just say?" Luke locked eyes with me.

"Nothing! It's not important." There was no way I was going to repeat that to him.

"I think it is." He argued, "You just said you were taking antidepressants again."

"It's not a big deal, Luke. I was just having a bit of trouble again. It's nothing." 

"How long?" Like asked, almost in audibly.

"I don't see how-"

"I said HOW LONG?" Luke yelled, interrupting me.

"Maybe a month. A little over a month." I answered quietly.

"Okay so you just recently became depressed again?" Luke sighed in relief.

"Not exactly." I bit my lip. "That's just how long I've been taking antidepressants again."

Luke's face turned red as his anger slowly got the best of him. He left me standing there as he stormed out of his room. I distantly heard the front door slam as well. Luke hated me, now. 

I need to cut.


	10. Chapter 10

I stared down at my bleeding wrist longingly. I wanted so much to just finish the job. I didn't want to be here anymore. Luke hated me now. Beau's hated me for awhile now. Daniel doesn't even talk to me anymore. That was already a lot to deal with, but now I had to deal with the fact that I made a promise to someone that I probably couldn't keep.

I just wanted to die.

That thought scared me. I hadn't truly been suicidal in a very long time, but now it was happening again and I didn't know if I could handle that. I needed to tell someone what I was feeling, but I literally had no one to tell. No one would care if I died. Luke was proof of that. He walked out on me after I had finally told him the truth. Olivia definitely wasn't getting what she wanted now.

Olivia.

She didn't really care about anything that happened to me. She simply just wanted to meet Luke. In order to do that, she technically needed me to be alive. Maybe I could tell her.

I decided to call her.

"Hello?" I heard her voice say. I remained silent. I don't know if I should burden her like this. She went to therapy just like I did. "Jai?"

"O-O-Olivia..." I stuttered.

"Jai?" Came her mumbled reply. "What's up. Am I getting to meet Luke already?!"

"No. I'm sorry. I-I shouldn't of called you." I apologized, taking a shaky breath.

"Jai." Olivia sounded serious. "Are you okay? You're scaring me right now."

"I don't know."

"I don't know how to help you if you don't tell me." Olivia stated. Those words triggered something in me. Those words were said by Dr. King when I first started going to therapy. I ignored the nostalgia. It was probably just a coincidence.

"Can you come over?" I begged.

"Of course. Where do you live?" She asked.

-

"Okay I'm here." Olivia spoke through the phone. She had refused the idea of me hanging up and waiting for her. I immediately pressed he end call button and rushed downstairs to pull her inside.

"Come on." I hurriedly pulled her by her hand up the stairs and into my room.

"Ok I'm here now, what's the matter?" Olivia asked, frustrated at my strange behavior.

"Sorry." I dropped her hand. "I just...I didn't know who else to call. I just can't be alone right now."

"Did you do something stupid?" Her hazel green eyes seemed to stare into my soul. I was forced to look away. I fell back onto my bed and covered my face with my hands.

"I don't know anymore." I admitted. I felt the bed dip down next to me. Olivia grabbed one of my arms in her small hands and gently rolled up the sleeve. I heard her gasp quietly at what she found.

"Oh Jai. I never would have taken you for a self-harmer." She admitted quietly.

"No one knows but Dr. King." 

"And now me...is that why you called me?" I shook my head at her question. That honestly wasn't the reason.

"I want to die right now." I decided to be blunt. Olivia's eyes widened.

"No. You don't need to be telling me that. You need to tell your family, your friends, or anyone else that loves you. Not me. Not the girl you practically just met." She collapsed next to me and stressfully ran a hand through her ash brown hair.

"Your hair is pretty..." I murmured without thinking. She sat up straight.

"Do you like me? Because let me tell you one thing. That can't happen. I'm in love with your brother. Not you."

"Olivia...I....no..." I didn't know what to say. I don't think I like her. She's just really easy to talk to.

"Save it Jai." She snapped. "What exactly was this, anyway? Were you faking, so I would give you attention or something?"

"No, I would never!" I shouted. "Sorry, I wasted your time. I just really needed to tell someone and I thought you were the person most likely to not care."

"Not care? Are you planning to do it soon or something?" Olivia asked slowly.

"Who knows. I might do it as soon as you leave." I was angry and couldn't control what I was saying. "I had no right to tell you something like that and for that I'm sorry. You can let yourself out now."

"Why so you can slit your wrists some more or do you have a gun hidden somewhere you're going to use to end it all?" Olivia seethed, obviously angry with me.

"Doesn't matter. Just leave." I ground out.

"No. I haven't met Luke yet." I don't know why, but it was like a punch to my stomach. I had just told her I was thinking about committing suicide, but she still only wanted to meet Luke. She wanted the better twin because I wasn't good enough. Just like everyone else.

"Luke's not going to be home anytime soon. He stormed out after he found out I was on antidepressants." It was as simple as that. My twin hated me because I couldn't be happy without meds. "He basically hates me right now, too."

"Jai that's ridiculous. Luke's the nicest person in the world. You obviously ran him off." She scoffed. I couldn't believe it. How could I be stupid enough to treat her like a friend. She was just using me to get to my twin brother. I knew that, but I still made this mistake.

"You can leave or you can stay there, but if you aren't leaving then I am." I stood up from my bed and headed into my bathroom, closing the door behind me. 

I glanced up into the mirror in front of me. The sight I saw was absolutely disgusting. I was disgusted by myself. No one cared and I didn't know how to deal with that. I slid down onto the floor and retrieved my blade from where it was hiding.

Rolling up my sleeve, I pressed the blade harshly into my wrist and dragged it across. I did this over and over until I couldn't feel anything anymore. I slowly became dizzier and dizzier, so I stopped. I had never cut this deep before.

I liked it. 

I pulled some gauze out and wrapped it tightly around my bleeding wrist. I sighed. I was still broken, but I felt slightly better. That was actually a pro of Olivia not caring about me. She didn't care, so she wouldn't make me stop like other people might.

"Jai?" Olivia asked, biting her lip nervously as I stepped out of the bathroom. "You have...blood...on your shirt."

I looked down and noticed a spot on my shirt stained with blood. That wasn't good.

"I figured you would have been gone by now." I said as I took my shirt off and slung it into the corner of my room. I noticed Olivia's eyes travel down my chest before lingering on my abs for a moment. She had obviously been checking me out even though she thought I was disgusting.

"Um. No. I'm waiting for Luke." She mumbled, forcing her eyes away. They landed on my gauze-covered wrist. "Did you...did you cut while I was in here?" 

"Thought you would be gone." I shrugged. Her eyes became sad.

"Jai, I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said. I want to be your friend. I just can't let you rely on me as a crutch. I can't do something like that. I can't help you." Her eyes sparkled with unshed tears.

"I don't want you to fix me. I love cutting." Olivia gave me a weird look when I said this. "I just wanted someone I didn't have to lie to."


	11. Chapter 11

Olivia ended up leaving about an hour later. We had a long conversation, but no more arguments. I can definitely say we learned a lot more about each other. She left only with the promise that I didn't do anything else that was 'stupid'.

I was really tempted to and that scared me. I decided that I needed someone to comfort me and I knew that Luke was definitely not an option. My Mum would just be disappointed in me before blowing off my problems as something that was minor. But, them there was Beau. We hadn't really been getting along lately, but I knew I could always go to him in the past. I just hoped that that was still the case.

I walked out into the hallway and walked down to Beau's door. I raised my hand to knock, but hesitated. Could I really trust Beau? He's said nothing but awful things to me these last few months. I started pacing back and forth in front of his door and brought my hands up to stressfully tug on my hair. I didn't know what to do. Beau was always full of surprises. He could very well tell me to grown up and leave him alone. I don't know what I'd do if that happened.

"Jai?" I heard Beau's confused voice ask. I turned to see his door open with his staring at me.

"H-Hey B-Beau." I stuttered out, before dropping my hands back down to my sides. He raised an eyebrow at me. He looked kind of freaked out.

"Jai, do you need something or are you just pacing in front of my door for no reason?"

"Well I..." I trailed off. I don't know what to say to him. Anything I could possibly say would just irritate him. He already hated me enough, I didn't need him to hate me more. I brought my fists up to hit my forehead in frustration. I was about to TALK to him. That was the exact thing I told myself I wasn't going to do. I couldn't talk to him without causing him pain.

"You what?" Beau questioned. I shook my head wordlessly at him. I turned away from him so that he couldn't see the tears that were about to pour out. I was just a burden that no one needed.

"Nothing." I mumbled and walked away. That was a bad idea to begin with. Beau would just laugh at me if I told him I was feeling suicidal. He didn't care. No one did. I was probably going to end up killing myself at this rate.

I needed Luke. 

I needed my twin brother.

I couldn't call him, though. He didn't care anymore. He didn't care, and now I just really needed him. 

Instead of going back to my room, I let myself into Luke's room. I threw myself on his bed, wrinkling his nearly made bed in the process. I took a shaky breathe before the tears started to flow.

I didn't know what to do anymore. I didn't want to live. I just wanted to end it all. It's what I deserved, and to be honest, everyone would be much happier without me in their lives to ruin everything.

I slowly drifted to sleep in the midst of my tears...  
-  
I woke up to someone harshly shaking me. I was confused. Why was there someone in my room? Then, I remembered I wasn't in my room. I was in Luke's room. That was bad. I forced my eyes open to see Luke's angry face staring back at me. His eyes were bloodshot and it was obvious that I had made him cry. I hated myself 1000x more just for that.

"Sorry, Luke. I didn't mean to fall asleep. I'll leave now." I stood up and refused to make eye contact with my twin brother. 

"Jai. Just stay for a minute." Luke groaned. I was confused. Why did he want me to stay?

I looked at him questioningly.

"You know I love you, right?" He asked. I kept my head down. I didn't think he loved me. In fact, I thought the opposite. "You don't, do you?"

"You don't have to pretend, Luke. I'm fine." I faked a smile at him, causing him to frown. 

"I'm not pretending!" Luke sighed. "If this is about me leaving earlier, then I'm sorry. I just didn't know how to deal with you at the moment."

"That's why I didn't want to tell you. I knew you would just react like this."

"Jai, I'm trying." Luke sounded hurt. "This isn't exactly easy for me."

"You're so right, Luke." I said sarcastically. "I mean what do I have to complain about?"

"Jai I didn't mean that and you know it. Stop being so...." he trailed off.

"Selfish?" I supplied. "Go ahead, Luke. Just say it already. It's not like you don't say it every other day already."

"Well, maybe it's because you are selfish. Ever thought about that?" Luke snapped. "I mean really, Jai, you could at least stop focusing on yourself for one day!"

"Sorry, would you rather I just disappear. Maybe that would be perfect for you. No more having to be embarrassed by your pathetic excuse for a twin!" I yelled back, matching his anger.

"I don't know what to say anymore." Luke whispered. I stared at him in disbelief. I couldn't deal with this anymore. I was so done with this conversation. It was obvious I wasn't wanted here. 

"Boys, what's going on?" Both of our heads turned at the same time to see our Mum standing by the door, yawning. She had a frown on her face at the sight of Luke and I fighting.

"Nothing." Luke shouted at the same time I shouted, "Luke's being a judgmental idiot."

Our mum blinked twice before sighing.

"Do either of you two want to elaborate?" She demanded.

"Luke's mad at me because he found out I'm back on antidepressants." I sighed.

"That's because you didn't tell me. What kind of brother does that?"

"Luke stop it!" Mum intervened. "Jai, I told you tell your brothers. This wouldn't have happened if you had just listened to me."

"Wait, Mum knew, but I didn't!" Luke sounded even angrier. 

"I told you. Mum found out about it without my approval." I forced out before rushing out of the room.

I'm so done.


	12. Chapter 12

"You seem even more pessimistic than usual, if that's even possible." Olivia commented with a chuckle. I glanced at her from the corner of my eye. We were currently at the movies, like we had planned. Olivia was wearing a pair of dark wash denim shorts and an off-shoulder shirt with stripes all over it. Her medium-length ash brown hair was tied up into a messy bun. I couldn't help but find her cute in her outfit. It made me feel even more insecure than usual.

I had just thrown on some black skinny jeans and a t-shirt with a skull on it under my usual 'dirty pigs' hoodie. I kept glancing down at myself self-consciously. Olivia was pretty and she knew it. She viewed me as an ugly version of my twin brother. That I knew for sure.

"Luke's mad at me..."I trailed off, not wanting to hear her reaction.

"Why!?" She looked at me wide-eyed at this statement. She walked ahead of me after a second, getting in line to buy her ticket.

"I sort of accidentally told him that I was taking antidepressants again." I sighed.

"And he got mad at you because?" She dead-panned. "Get to the point, Jye."

"Luke's always been kind of sensitive about my depression." I decided to ignore the little 'jye' part of what she said. "He never really understood it and summed it up to me being selfish, instead."

Olivia processed this newfound information before stepping out of line and grabbing my hand, dragging me along behind her. I had to force my hand not to start sweating.

"I don't feel like seeing a movie anymore." She mumbled. Great, I had upset her!

"Olivia, I'm sorry!" I felt really bad for what I had done. She absolutely loved Luke, and I had let her down. She turned around to face me before pulling me into a brief hug.

"Don't be." She whispered, surprising me. "Your Family always has trouble coming to terms with those kind of things." 

"Thanks." I mumbled, hugging her back and resting my chin on the top of her head. "Do you want to have dinner at my house tomorrow night. Luke should be there." 

"Are you serious?" I pulled away from her to see her eyes widen and a large smile pop up on her face.

"Unfortunately, yes." I smirked, causing her to lightly smack my chest.

"Behave, Jai." She laughed.  
-  
"Hey Mum, can I talk to you?" I asked nervously. My mum looked up at me fearfully, almost like she was expecting the worst.

"What is it Jaidon?" She answered tight-lipped. It was obvious that she was mad at me for something. "I'm kind of busy packing, so make it quick."

"Packing?" I was confused. I didn't know she was going somewhere.

"Yes, I have a business trip I have to go on. I leave in the morning." She answered. "What was it you wanted?"

"Nothing." I faked a smile. "Just wanted to hear your voice."

One last time.

I flinched when that thought entered my head. It was the first thought like that I've had today, though. That was a good thing.

I left my Mum's room and walked over to Luke's. I let myself inside with a large fake smile on my face. Luke looked up at me briefly before moving his eyes back to his laptop.

"Hey, you need something?" He asked hesitantly. He was just like my Mum. Treating me like I'm made of glass, just because he found out something was wrong.

"Actually, I do." I spoke clearly, making Luke look like at me.

"I'm making dinner tomorrow night."

"Ok?" Luke scrunched his eyebrows in confusion.

"I have a friend coming over that is a big fan of you, so if you could just stay around for an hour at the least and play nice that would be great."

"A friend? Since when do you have to make dinner to let a fan meet me?" Luke asked, giving me a knowing look.

"It's not like that! She's practically in love with you, and she's a good friend. I didn't see a reason not to do it." I felt my face heat up at his implications.

"Sure, whatever you say Jai-Jai!" Luke winked at me.

"That's it! I'm leaving!" I ran out of my twin's room and away from the hysterical laughing coming from within it.

After tomorrow, I didn't owe Olivia anything. I was waiting for that moment. Who knows, maybe She and Luke will really hit it off. If that happened, then I can go back to my little empty hole of misery and isolation. I missed it there. I don't even know why I ever wanted to leave it. I was better off alone. When I was alone, nothing could hurt me.

-

"Jai, can I talk to you?" Beau asked, biting his lip nervously. That was weird. Beau never got nervous. Especially when he was around me. I looked into his green eyes, trying to figure out what his motives were.

"Yeah...Sure. What do you need Beau?" I chuckled anxiously. It shouldn't be this nerve-wracking to talk with my older brother, but for some reason it was.

"Do you remember the other day? You had been pacing in front of my room and then ran away without an explanation." Beau asked the question I had been dreading. "What was that all about anyway. You really freaked me out, running away like that."

"Oh...I just needed to talk to you about something, but it doesn't matter anymore. It was stupid anyway." I laughed, faking a smile.

"No. I have a feeling that it was something important." Beau shook his head. "It's not like you to reach out to me like that."

"I'm fine. Okay? Just drop it. You wouldn't understand anyway." I looked down, not being able to take much more of this conversation.

"You don't know that. I know I'm not Luke, but I'm still your brother. Why can't you just trust me for once?" Beau frowned.

"Because this time, not even Luke understands. And, if he can't then no one can."


	13. Chapter 13

Olivia was coming over for dinner tonight. That meant I had to cook since my brothers can barely cook a decent meal. It also reminded me of the fact that I've barely been eating lately. I just hadn't felt like eating, with everything going on lately. 

Not eating had definitely taken its toll on me. Not only had I lost weight, but I was also losing a lot of the energy I had before.  Even with the lack of energy, neither of my brothers even noticed that I hadn't been eating. 

For a moment, I thought that maybe Luke had actually started to care. He had gotten so mad at me when I had told him I was on antidepressants again, so I assumed he loved me. 

He didn't. 

Luke returned to being his usual, uncaring self. He barely even acknowledges my presence anymore. I've just been pushed back into his shadow like usual. 

Shaking my head to clear the bad thoughts, I set to work on dinner. I was making lasagna and French bread. We didn't have lasagna that often, and when we did I usually made it since Luke and Beau were too lazy to actually cook for the amount of time it took to make. I didn't mind, though. I enjoyed cooking.   
-  
There was a knock on our door a little after 6:00, the time Olivia was supposed to be here. I was in the middle of taking the lasagna out of the oven, so I yelled for Beau. 

"Beau, can you get the door?" I yelled. Beau came downstairs, grunted angrily, and finally opened the door for Olivia. 

"Um, can I help you?" Beau asked her, confused. 

"Beau, she's my friend. Just let her in already." I rolled my eyes at his obliviousness. Olivia strolled into the kitchen a few minutes later. 

"That looks amazing." She commented, talking about the lasagna. 

"Just wait until you try it." I smiled at her. I saw Beau wander into the kitchen with a smirk on his face.

"So, Jai." Beau purred. "Who's your friend?"

"This is Olivia, and stop looking at me like that. She's just a friend!" I rolled my eyes as Beau put his hands up in surrender. I turned to look at Olivia and smiled when I saw her trying to hold back her laughter. 

"Wow, Jai your face is really red!" Olivia teased. Beau burst out laughing when my face heated up even more. I couldn't help it. I was easily embarrassed.

"That's it! No lasagna for either of you two." I huffed, making them laugh even harder.

"What's this about no lasagna?" Luke walked in, chuckling. Olivia's eyes immediately went wide at the sight of him.

"I-I'm O-Olivia!" Olivia stuttered awkwardly. Luke gave her a strange look and took a step closer to me.

"So, is this your girlfriend?" Luke asked bluntly, ignoring Olivia's squeal of protest.

"No-" I started to answer, but was immediately cut off by Olivia.

"I would never date him! We're only friends." She explained loudly. Luke narrowed his eyes at me. 

"What's wrong with, Jai?" Luke asked, surprising me. Olivia gave me a glare, probably signaling for me to keep my mouth shut.

"He's not you, to put it simply." Olivia smiled lovingly at Luke.

"Well, okay." Luke was at a loss for words. He looked over at me without saying anything, so I forced a smile for him. Honestly, what Olivia had said hurt. It was t my fault I was Luke's twin, but she had made it sound like dating me would be worse than dying. I know I wasn't Luke, but I couldn't be that bad.

"Why don't you show Olivia around, Luke." I mono-toned, causing everyone to look at me in confusion. Olivia furrowed her eyebrows at me in confusion. I know it must have been weird with my sudden change in mood.

"Come on, Olivia. Ignore him. He's just being Jai." Luke led Olivia out of the room, leaving Beau and I behind. 

"Are you okay?" Beau asked, actually concerned for once. I looked up at him and nodded.

"Yeah. I'm fine. I'm just not feeling too good right now." I lied. "Wanna help me set the table, so we can actually have a proper dinner for once?"

"Sure, little brother." Beau smiled sadly and took the lasagna away from me. He caught me off guard that time. He never calls me 'little brother'. Only Luke. It was weird and I started to feel like my chest was caving in from the feelings I started to feel. I eyed the big steak knife we kept in our kitchen and quickly pocketed it. I needed it for something tonight.

I walked out into the living room, only to see Luke and Olivia laughing together like they had been friends for years. I felt my chest ache again. That's strange. Luke suddenly threw his arm around her shoulders while they were talking and I felt a hint of jealousy when her cheeks turned pink in response.

"Hey Lukey?" I called out, walking towards them. He turned to me and dropped his smile as soon as he saw it was me.

"What do you want, Jai?" Luke groaned, obviously thinking I was being a burden again.

"I....dinner's ready, but I'm not really feeling good. I'm just going to walk up to my room for a bit. You guys can go ahead and eat without me." I said, giving him a small smile. 

No one tried to stop me, and with every step the knife in my pocket felt so Much heavier.


	14. Chapter 14

I made it to my room without any suspicion. That was the last thing I wanted tonight, of all nights. I had fulfilled my promise to Olivia. I didn't owe her a single thing anymore. I had introduced her to Luke, and surprisingly they had actually hit it off. I know I should've been happy for them, but instead I felt strange. I don't know how to describe it, but it was almost as if I was jealous.

I didn't have to worry about that anymore, though. I would be gone pretty soon, and no one was even going to try to stop me. No one cared enough to stop me.

I felt tears rush to my eyes. No one cares, and I surely wasn't going to stay around much longer if I wasn't wanted. I wish I could at least say goodby, but I knew I couldn't.  Instead, I tweeted "I'm sorry", hoping that no one would catch onto my plan.

I walked to my bathroom and sat on the floor, leaning against the tub. Carefully, I took the knife out of my pocket and stared at it. 

It was funny how something seemingly so harmless could hurt you so badly. I was finally ready for this, though. I was ready to end my life. 

"Jai?" I heard my oldest brother's voice travel through the door. My face went pale as I hurriedly hid the knife under my bed.

"Come in!" I called as I threw myself on my bed. The door creaked open and I was met with the worried face of my brother. That was weird. Beau never worried about anyone, and even if he did I was the last person he would worry about.

"Jai, are you okay?" Beau asked, surprising me. I bit my lip. I was tempted to just tell him everything and hope for the best, but I knew that I couldn't do that. Luke's reaction to me taking antidepressants again was proof of that. The only person I could trust was myself, no matter how much I wanted that to be a huge lie.

"Yeah, Beau. I'm perfectly fine." I lied, faking a smile. Beau frowned at me and then sat next to me on my bed.

"What's going on with you, Jai? You invited you're girlfriend over, and then you lock yourself up in your room. Tell me if I'm crazy, but shouldn't you be down there flirting with her instead of letting Luke lead her on." Beau asked. I felt my heart clench at his words. Luke was playing with her. Of course he was.

"She's not my girlfriend!" I groaned. "She's just a fan that threatened to expose a secret of mine if I didn't introduce her to Luke. She's strictly a Luke girl, ok? Besides, who cares if he is leading her on? She doesn't care about me and I don't care about her! And after tonight I'll probably never see her again because I don't matter to her, Luke does!"

"I don't know what she's threatening you with, Jai." Beau said seriously. "I just know that it must be something big if you're willing to do all of this, just so she could meet Luke."

"You don't know what you're talking about, Beau!" I looked away.

"And you do?" He countered, "You like her don't you? Just admit it."

"I don't like her! I just want her out of my life. Why is that so hard for you to understand ?" I yelled, starting to get angry.

"Because you're lying to yourself. If she thinks that Luke is so great, why don't you just show her who the better twin for her is?" Beau teased. I was seeing red after this statement, and couldn't control what came out of my mouth next.

"Because Luke is the better twin! I'm just the screw-up that looks like him. Everyone knows that, and honestly I'm sick of wasting time by being jealous. I know that I'll never be good enough and that I'll never make real friends or fall in love because Luke will just naturally snatch them away like usual! I'm okay with that, though. I'm fine with being alone."

"Jai..." Beau breathed, but was quickly interrupted.

"Is that what you really think?" Luke's angry voice spoke from the doorway. I looked away from him, only to be met by Olivia's piercing stare. "Answer me, Jai!"

"Yes." I whispered. Luke looked at a loss for words and Olivia and Beau just stood in my room awkwardly.

"I'll take you home, Olivia." Beau broke the silence, causing Olivia to nod. Luke waited until they were out of the house before he started to yell at me again.

"Are we really brothers?!" Luke yelled, "Because I honestly don't know anymore. Who gets jealous of their twin brother, Jai?"

"I-I don't know." I stuttered, not being able to take much more of his yelling.

"You don't know?! That's just perfect!" Luke laughed, sarcastically. "It was bad enough that you take antidepressants, but now you start spouting all of this garbage."

"You're ashamed aren't you?" I asked quietly, meeting his gaze for the first time that night.

"Jai..." Luke trailed off, looking away. I couldn't believe my eyes. He was ashamed of me. He just proved it.

"Fine then, here." I snapped, getting his attention. I opened up my bedside table drawer and pulled out my bottle of antidepressants. Luke looked at me with questioning eyes as I walked to my bathroom, but he didn't follow me. I stared intently at the bottle before dumping the contents inside and flushing them. That should make Luke happy. 

"What did you just flush?" Luke furrowed his eyebrows. I simply threw the empty pill bottle at him. "What's this?"

"Congrats, Luke. You're so ashamed of me taking them? Well guess what? You don't have to worry about that anymore. I won't take them again! Happy now?"

"I thought you needed those?" Luke whispered, wide-eyed.

"I do, but not for much longer."


	15. Chapter 15

"Jai, you're not thinking straight. You can't just get rid of your antidepressants just like that." Luke stared at me wide-eyed.  I rolled my eyes at him. I had enough and I just wanted everything to end once and for all. 

"I just did, and you're ashamed of me for taking them anyways. So, why does it matter to you?" I chuckled humorously. Luke gave me a strange look at this. He took a gentle step towards me and I panicked. I took several steps backwards, away from him.

"Jai, I think you need to calm down right now." Luke said slowly, trying to calm me down.

"No, just don't touch me!" I screamed when Luke reached out to place a hand on my shoulder. Luke recoiled back in shock at my scream. I almost never yell at Luke. "Just...leave. Please, Luke."

"I don't think I should leave you alone right now, Jai." Luke argued, biting his lip and moving to sit on my bed. I stared at him. Since when did he actually care? He moved to get off the bed and come closer, but when he did his foot hit the knife I had haphazardly hid under my bed. I closed my eyes tightly, so I didn't have to see his face when he reached down and grabbed it.

"Luke..." I had no idea what to say to him. It's not every day you find a huge knife under your twin's bed.

"Jai, look at me!" Luke snapped, causing me to look at him. "Explain! Right now!"

"I don't know what to say." I admitted, before looking down again.

"Just talk to me already, Jai! You never let me in anymore." Luke yelled, frustrated and angry. "You only shut me out. You didn't even think about letting me know about how depressed you were getting again. How do you think that makes me feel?"

"It's not really any of your business, to be honest." I rolled my eyes just to spite him.

"Yeah, because your life is just so bad." Luke matched my eye roll. "Just what were you planning on doing with this knife Jai?"

"This." Before he could react, I reached out and jerked the knife away from him. While his shock was still registering, I plunged the knife into my wrist and jerked it, trying to puncture an artery. Blood started dripping from my arm and I was starting to feel dizzy, but I chanced a look at Luke anyways. His face was ghost white, and he looked absolutely horrified.

"Oh my- Jai, what did you do?" Luke yelled, as he tackled me and wrapped a random shirt around my wrist in an attempt to stop the bleeding. "Just stay awake, Jai. I'll call an ambulance!"

"Just let it happen, Luke." I groaned in an attempt to stop him, but I was too late. He was already calling for an ambulance.

"Yes, my twin brother just stabbed himself with a knife right in front of me and he's losing blood fast." Luke scrambled out. His grip on my wrist tightened, but somehow I started to feel it less and less and I knew that I was dying at that point.

"This is what I want, Luke. Just remember that." I whispered to the tear-stained face of my twin brother right before everything went black.

This is what I wanted.

-

I woke up to the familiar white ceiling and incessant beeping that was known as a hospital room. Luke saved me. That was the one thing I didn't want. I just wanted to die. There was no reason for me to be alive anymore. Everything seemed absolutely hopeless at this point. There was nothing that could make this life any worse. I sounded melodramatic, but I was just so done and ready to sleep forever.

"I think he's waking up..." I heard a voice whisper. Well yeah, that's obvious. 

I forced my eyes open and was met face-to-face with Luke himself. The one person that did the wrong thing at the wrong time. I felt even more broken than I already was just by looking at him.

"I hate you." I whispered, my voice cracking from disuse. Luke flinched back at my words and hurt filled his eyes. Good, it's what he deserved. I never asked to be saved. 

"That's some way to treat the guy that saved your life." Olivia's voice spoke from next to him. I turned my head and looked into her beautiful green eyes. I couldn't deal with her and Luke too.

"Just leave already, Olivia. I've had enough of you. I don't care about whatever it is you decide to tell the world about me anymore. I just want to be dead!" I yelled, causing them both to flinch back at my words.

"You don't mean that!" Luke yelled, not wanting to believe it.

"But, I do. You see these." I pointed to the section of my wrist that wasn't covered by bandages. "These are proof that I hate myself and that everyone would just be better off without me. You shouldn't have saved me, Luke. If I was dead then you wouldn't have to live with an embarrassment that looks like you any longer."

"You're not an embarrassment, Jai." Luke bit his lip.

"I don't know what's funnier. The fact that you're trying to convince me or the fact that you're trying to convince yourself at the same time."


	16. Chapter 16

"Jai, you're scaring me." Luke whispered. I looked up at him and rolled my eyes. I was scaring him. Of course I was.

"Grow up Luke. I'm laying in a hospital bed wanting to die, yet you can only tell me how worthless I am. Why don't you just take your little girlfriend and leave?!" I shouted.

"Dude, she's not my girlfriend. Even if you didn't like her I would never go there." Luke replied, seemingly forgetting that she was even there.

"What?!" Olivia screamed, obviously offended. "You're the only one good enough for me, Luke. Jai doesn't matter. I'm too good for him anyway. He can rot here for all I care!"

"What did you just say?" Luke yelled angrily at her while I felt even more worthless than I already did. She had shredded the last bit of self-confidence I had left. 

"Luke I-he's just in the way. We're perfect for each other, and he's trying to ruin it. Guess I'll just have to make a little post on Twitter after all!" Olivia was obviously so infatuated by Luke that it had turned into a slight obsession. I looked up at her when I saw a flash come from the camera on her phone.

"What did you just do?" Luke's eyes widened.

"Just a little insurance." She smirked.

"Wha-" Luke started to tell at her again, but I quickly interrupted him.

"I don't care anymore, Olivia. Tell people. I'm honestly done caring at this point."

"You're going to regret this." She promised before running out of the room in tears.

"I'm sorry it had to be like this, Jai." Luke sighed as he stared out the open doorway.

"She was pretty, but I really didn't Like her that much. She was kind of crazy..." I trailed off. Luke and I lapsed into an awkward silence. Things shouldn't be awkward like this between us. We used to be able to sit in silence and not feel awkward at all.

We weren't the same twins anymore, though. Luke and I had already gone out separate ways. We weren't close at all anymore. I couldn't even talk to him anymore. It was almost like he was a nicer, less obnoxious version of Beau.

Speaking of Beau....

"Where's Beau?" I asked, slightly disappointed that my oldest brother wasn't here when I woke up. I knew he didn't like me that much, but I always thought that he would be there when I needed him most.

"He had to talk with your doctors, and he also said he needed to call Mum, too." Luke explained. 

"Oh." I breathed. I wasn't sure whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.

"What's going on in that head of yours,  Jai-Jai?" Luke asked softly, pulling a chair closer to my bed. 

"I don't want to be alive, Luke. I hate living in a world where I'm not wanted. I'm sick of always being compared to you, and then told that I'm not good enough to be your twin brother. I hate myself enough already. I don't need anything added to that..."

"You're perfect the way you are, Jai. Don't let what the haters say get to you." 

"It's not just the haters." I corrected him. "I see the way everyone looks at me. 'Oh Jai messed up again, didn't he?' and 'why don't we just kick Jai out, it's not like he's anything special anyway.' And 'why is Jai just a screw-up...he never does anything right.' I see and hear it all Luke. You may think that your words don't get to me, but they do. I've got the scars to prove it."

"Jai, I swear we don't think that way. We all love you." Luke tries to comfort me, but it doesn't work.

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean you actually need me."  
-  
"My baby brother..." Beau gushed, stroking through my hair. "My poor baby brother." 

"I get it already, Beau. Stop touching me already." I groaned. Luke was trying hard to not laugh at my situation, despite the circumstances. We both absolutely hated it when Beau got like this.

"Sorry, no can do, besides you're going to be in here for awhile." Beau informed me. Luke stopped laughing and we both looked at Beau, confused.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Luke and I asked at the same time. Beau looked at us, slightly creeped out by our twin moment.

"You're on suicide watch right now, Jai. A nurse overheard you telling Luke you wanted to die."

"What?" I couldn't believe my ears. They really thought that keeping me in a hospital for a few days could stop me from trying again. I wasn't happy, and I refused to live in misery. "Can you at least give me my phone to pass the time?"

"Sure thing, kiddo." Beau smiled down at me, before leaving the room. Luke looked over at me and mouthed 'kiddo?' At me in disgust. I simply shrugged. Beau could be weird sometimes.

"It's for the best, Jai." Luke spoke up after a moment. "We don't want to lose you. We may have not been the most understanding when it came to you and your mental health problems, but we still love you. I guess what I'm trying to say is, give us another chance to show you that life is worth it."

"I pulled some strings, and got you your phone!" Beau announced loudly, effectively stopping me from replying to Luke.

"Finally, something to do." I changed the subject. Logging onto my twitter, my heart stopped.

@OliviaKing: pic of @JaiBrooks1 after he tried to kill himself earlier today. Hope your proud of yourself. I certainly am.

"Jai, are you okay? What's wrong?" Luke asked worriedly, noticing my change in attitude. I wordlessly showed him my phone. His eyes widened, but I couldn't focus on his reaction. Clicking on Olivia's profile I could only focus on one thing.

Olivia was Dr. King's daughter. Her mother was the person I trusted so much, but really I had been set up by both of them. Dr. King didn't care about me, she just wanted her daughter to meet Luke. I was just a pathetic little pawn that got cast to the side in the process.

I wanted to die even more than I already did in that moment.


	17. Chapter 17

The entire time I was in the hospital, I felt completely empty. Fans and haters alike had taken the opportunity to show their support and tell me to try again. But, I couldn't dwell on that. I didn't know how to trust anyone anymore. 

When I told Luke about the truth behind Olivia and Dr. King, he was outraged. He thought I should report Dr. King, but honestly I didn't want to think about them any longer.  Olivia had finished destroying me when I was already broken enough as it was.  

No one understood, though. They thought that I should be happy, but I couldn't do that. I was so broken this time that I once again became silent. This time, however, it wasn't on purpose. I couldn't find the will to talk.

"Jai," Luke walked into my room about a week after I got home from the hospital. "Why aren't you dressed? You have an appointment in 20 minutes. We needed to leave 5 minutes ago."

"Dunno..." I shrugged and continued to lay on my bed. Luke sighed and walked over to my bed to sit next to me.

"Tell me what's going on in that brain of yours." Luke said softly, stroking through my hair.

"Nothing." I could tell that I was upsetting Luke with my attitude, but I just felt so broken.

"Jai, you know you can tell me anything right?" Luke asked softly.  I  thought about it and decided that he was wrong. There were plenty of things I couldn't tell him. "Don't make that face. It's true."

"I want to die." I started clearly. "I want to die, and you don't want to hear about it. So no, I can't tell you anything."

"Jai," Luke sighed. "I hate that you want that. I only want you to be happy."

"Bring me a knife and I will be happy."

"Just...get up so we can at least get to your appointment sometime today." Luke looked away as he said this, most likely fighting the tears that were threatening to fall. I hated to treat him like this, but I just didn't care. I was beyond done at this point.  
~  
"So Jai, what do you want to talk about first." My new therapist, Sonya, asked. I glanced at Luke but he was simply staring at his shoes. Apparently, my ER doctor thought it would be a good idea for Luke to be present during my therapy sessions with my new therapist because of the emotional trauma Dr. King left behind.

"I dunno." I rolled my eyes. Psychiatrists were smart. They made you think that they were going to help you, but really they didn't. The longer you're mentally ill, the more money they make. I made the mistake of trusting a psychiatrist once, but I was not going to do that again.

"Jai, please at least try." Luke spoke up from beside me. He still didn't make eye contact with me. 

"Okay, you want me to talk. Why can't you let me die? What's so wrong with wanting to end my misery?" I raised my voice. Luke clenched his fists and squeezed his eyes shut painfully, but otherwise didn't react. 

"Jai, Luke just wants what's best for you. He doesn't want you to suffer. He wants to find an alternative to where you can live and be happy at the same time." Sonya spoke up, giving me a tiny smile.

"Well, I don't want that." I huffed angrily.

"Moving along," Sonya continued, "Luke, is there anything you'd like to say to Jai?"

"Actually there is." Luke admitted, surprising me. "I'm angry with you."

"This is an anger-free zone!" Sonya interrupted.

"Sorry, but I can't control how I feel." I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

"I'm not angry because you're sad or because you want to die." Luke finally made eye contact with me. "I'm angry because you tried to leave me."

My breathe caught in my throat at that. Whatever sassy comeback I was going to make died instantly. I didn't view it as me leaving him. He was my twin brother and I loved him. Honestly, he didn't have anything to do with my attempt. He just happened to be there at the time.

"What happened to Luke and Jai? We're supposed to be together forever, right?" Luke asked vulnerably. 

"Luke..." I couldn't find the words to say to him. Nothing I could say would fix us at this point. I had given up on myself, and in doing so, I had let my brother down.

"I think that's enough for today." Sonya commented, signaling that our hour was up. Luke and I shakily stood up. Neither of us knew what to say to the other in response.

"Thanks." Luke murmured as we left the room. Beau was waiting in the waiting room for us, but as we got closer, we noticed he was sleeping. Not in the mood, Luke walked over to him and shook him awake.

"Done already?" Beau yawned.

"Yeah." Luke and I replied at the same time. Beau blinked at us for a moment before shaking his head.

"Lets go then." He said awkwardly. I felt so bad. I was making everything so awkward for my brothers. None of us had ever been this awkward around the other in a long time. I followed slowly behind my brothers as they shared hushed whispers that were most likely about me. I could only think one thing the entire ride home: next time I'll make sure nobody can save me.


	18. Chapter 18

Luke was suffocating me. Ever since my appointment with Sonya, he's been following me around everwhere and randomly checking up on me. He just wouldn't go away. Honestly, I was going insane. It's what I get, though, for telling him I want to die. He probably thought it was just a spur of the moment type of thing, but I've actually wanted to die for years now.

"Jai, are you okay?" Luke asked for the millionth time today. Sighing, I rolled over on my bed to face away from where he sat on the floor. I've tried to tell him to leave, but he just won't.

"No, Luke. I'm not okay. I simply want to sleep, but my annoying twin brother insists on asking me if I'm okay every five seconds!" I snapped out of irritation. Luke was quiet for a moment, and at first I thought he was finally going to leave. Then, the first sniffle came.

" I'm sorry, Jai. It's just...you slit your wrist right in front of me. Every time I close my eyes now I feel like I'm going to lose you. I can't help but be worried." Luke whispered brokenly. I bit my lip. Truthfully, I wanted to try again. Life just seemed so hopeless and I didn't know what to do.

"Come here, Luke." I rolled over to face him and made room for him to lie down next to me. Luke reacted immediately, snuggling into my side like he would do when we were a lot younger. Whenever one of us were hurt or had a nightmare, we would cuddle like this. Mum and Beau were always too busy to put up with us, so we relied on each other. We haven't been that close in years.

"Promise me you won't try to leave me again, Jai." Luke looked up at me with teary eyes. I bit my lip. I couldn't promise him anything, and he knew it. 

"Luke, I can't...you know that." I squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting to see the disappointment glued to his face.

"Jai, I just wish you could get better..." Luke sighed, burying his face in my shoulder.

"I wouldn't know how to begin, Luke. I've felt this way since we were 13. It's not going to easily go away." I admitted. Luke threw his arm across my waist in a silent form of comfort.

"I know it's not going to happen as soon as you'd like, Jai. But, you could at least do things to take your mind off of everything. Let yourself start to find joy. I promise you, it will be worth it in the end." 

I thought about it. Could I really let myself be happy? No. That was impossible, but the way Luke was looking at me made me want to try.

"How?"

~

"Jai, I know it sounds crazy, but once you get back in the swing of things, everything will start to get better!" Luke spoke loudly, almost as if he was mostly trying to convince himself instead of me.

Luke had the brilliant idea of starting to film videos again. I could sort of see his logic behind it. At one point, I loved making videos for our fans. It was the thing that made me happiest, but somewhere along the line I lost that and myself.

"I just don't know if it's the best thing for me to be in the public eye right now, Luke. I just attempted suicide and Twitter is already going crazy with all of the hate from that." I reasoned, nervously. I was scared. I wasn't sure if I would be able to take the hate that I would receive from ultimately messing something up in the video.

"Hey, relax. It's not a Janoskians video. We're going to start out small with a TwinTalktime video. I'll be with you every step of the way. I promise." Luke tried to comfort me, but I still wasn't quite sure if it was the best idea. Who knows what could go wrong?

"Hey Guys, we're TwinTalkTime!" Luke and I said in sync, after Luke started the camera. Luke quickly took over the video, realizing I was in no state of mind to do so.

"So we just wanted to check in with you guys. Um, a hated recently got close to Jai," Luke looked at me to make sure it was okay for him to continue. "She made his feel lower than he's felt in a very long time, and he...tried to end his life right in front of me."

Luke looked down as he tried to control his emotions and get his thoughts together.

"I'm okay now, though." I spoke up, surprising Luke. "It's taken a really hard toll on me, but I want to get better. I hated myself so much for making Luke cry, and I'll probably never forgive myself for that."

"It's okay, though." Luke smiled. "We just wanted to let you know that before we really started the video."

"Yeah," I took over again, "Today, we're going to put our friends and family to the test. Luke is currently holding the object that will help us do that."

"What I have here is some concealer we stole from our Mum's room. Hopefully we're a similar color." Luke laughed.

"We're going to put the concealer on our freckles to hide the marks most people use to identify us." I continued.

"Like the one on my nose and underneath Jai's eye. Then, we're going to go downstairs and see if anyone can tell us apart or if they actually really know our faces!" Luke got excited. We'd been planning this video for awhile and figured it would be awesome to do.

"On with the video. I'll do Luke first." I said, taking the concealer from Luke and applying some to his nose. I added more and more until you couldn't make out the freckle on his nose.

"Okay, and now Jai's turn!" Luke took the concealer and rubbed it on the two freckles underneath my eye. "Now, the side by side comparison."

"Wow, we do look pretty identical..." I noted as we stared in a mirror at our faces. We still had some differences, but the main ones were gone.

"Okay, let the pranking begin!" Luke and I cheered in unison.


	19. Chapter 19

Luke and I slowly made our way downstairs, where we had set up hidden cameras everywhere beforehand. We split up at the base of the stairs, I went into the living room and Luke made his way to the kitchen. I was still sad, but I was trying not to think about it. I just wanted to make sure this video was amazing. I readjusted my beanie and straightened my posture. Luke always stood up really straight, whereas I slouched the majority of the time. It was one of those weird twin things where we were so much alike, yet polar opposites.

"Hey boys!" I greeted brightly as I took a seat on the couch. Beau and Daniel were sitting on the couch, watching a movie. Beau glanced up at me and gave me a strange look. I wasn't sure if he knew who I was yet or not, but the face he made was really funny. Daniel, on the other hand, looked up at me and froze. I watched with a smirk on my face as he scanned it for any freckles he wasn't seeing.

"Hey..." Daniel trailed off, obviously not knowing if I was Luke or Jai. Beau smirked back.

"It's Luke, Skip. He's just wearing make up to hide all of the ugly." Beau joked, making me frown. I thought for sure that he'd be able to tell us apart.

"You're right, Beau. That's just cruel, Lukey!" Daniel laughed. I frowned again, before standing up and heading into the kitchen to find Luke.

"Are you sure you're feeling okay, Jai?" I heard my Mum ask as she stroked Luke's face. I watched as he held back a laugh and winked at me. It was his way of signaling me to stop acting.

"Yeah, I'm fine Mum, why?" I asked, opening the fridge to get some water out. My Mum looked up at me in shock. "You okay Mum?" 

"Wha-? I didn't mix you two up again, did I?" She asked, apologetically. "Wait a second, what's going on here?"

"What do you mean?" Luke and I asked in sync, causing her frustration to grow. I moved to stand next to Luke, and watched as she looked from my face, to Luke's, and back. She was obviously going crazy with her confusion. I felt bad for her, to be honest.

"Where are your freckles?" She asked, before it clicked. "Luke did you steal my make up again?!"

Luke cracked up laughing, so I took over.

"Mum, there's hidden cameras in here. We wanted to see if you could tell us apart without our freckles to help you." I explained.

"I'm really starting to hate youtube!" She huffed, walking out of the room. 

"That went perfectly." Luke laughed. 

"I know. Daniel honestly didn't know who I was, and Beau was convinced I was you."

"You want to go freak them out?" Luke laughed evilly, causing me to join in.

"Let's do it!" 

~

"Beau can you bake us some cupcakes?" Luke and I asked in sync, causing Beau to look up at us and his eyes to nearly bulge out of his head.

"Um, what's going on? Am I dreaming? Why do you two look so much alike?" Beau fired off question after question, not giving us time to answer. This caused Daniel to look up as well, and he looked like he wanted to cry because of all of the confusion.

"We're twins." I informed him. Beau looked like he wanted to rip his hair out.

"Obviously!" Beau scoffed. "I've only known you your whole lives!"

"What's wrong, Beau?" Luke teased. "You look frustrated."

"What happened to all of your freckles?" Beau finally yelled.

"Oh that? We just wanted to see how well you knew your own brothers' faces. Just a bit of concealer and you're all flustered." I explained.

"There's hidden cameras everywhere. It's a TwinTalkTime video, and honestly I think it turned out pretty good. Don't you, Jai?" Luke asked.

"It was perfect!" I agreed, I laughed a genuine laugh. It actually surprised me. I didn't remember the last time I genuinely laughed. I didn't know how to feel about that.

"Jai? You okay?" Luke interrupted my thoughts. He was watching me, trying to analyze my behavior for anything potentially negative.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I lied, making Luke frown.

"Don't hide from me Jai."

"It's nothing important. Let's just film the outtro." I changed the subject. I could feel Daniel and Beau's eyes on me as Luke and I walked back up the stairs to my room where we started out at.

"Great video today," Luke laughed. "If you're a twin, try it. If you're not, then don't try this at home."

"We had a lot of fun with it, anyways." I added. "We definitely weren't expecting those reactions, so that was pretty cool."

"TwinTalkTime Out!" Luke and I yelled in sync as we high-fived for the camera.

"Finally, time to take this makeup off." I sighed in relief as I walked into my bathroom and quickly washed the makeup off. I came out of my bathroom and found Luke texting on my bed. "You can wash your face really quick and I'll get the cameras."

"Thanks, Jai." Luke smiled as we walked opposite directions. I ran downstairs and started collecting all of our cameras, shutting them off in the process. I ran into the living room to find Beau and Daniel still there.

"He's back!" Beau shouted, hugging me. "Oh, my baby brother!"

"O-Kay then..." I backed away from him, extremely creeped out.

"I'm sorry, you're just not you without your freckles..." Beau trailed off, causing me to laugh. I had laughed a lot today and that was a major improvement. I ran back up to my room with all of the cameras juggled in my arms. I threw them on my bed and then walked into my bathroom to see what was taking Luke so long.

"Jai, how long?" Luke asked me angrily as I walked in.

"You're going to have to elaborate, Lukey." I was confused. That was until he held up the special box I kept in my bathroom as a last resort, in case things became too much.

"How long do I have left before you try to leave me again?"


	20. Chapter 20

"How long do I have left before you try to leave me again?" Luke asked brokenly. I couldn't respond. I was too shocked to. With everything going on I had forgotten that I even had my special box. "Say something, Jai!"

"I don't know." I couldn't make eye contact with him. Luke was just so angry and I didn't want him to start hating me again.

"Jai, I thought we agreed to you trying to get better!" Luke scolded.

"I am trying!" I argued. Luke looked at me with disbelief.

"Oh yeah, then what exactly is this?" He asked, gesturing to my special box. It was opened so the pill bottles and blades were taunting me. I kept my eyes glued to the contents as I answered him.

"It's my last resort. My go-to option in case things get to the point where I can't possibly go on any longer." 

"Jai," Luke's anger seemed to dissipate. "You shouldn't need a last resort! So many people love you. Why can't you see that?"

"Because I don't deserve that love, Luke!" I couldn't help but yell. "I'm a mistake. I shouldn't have even been born..."

A harsh slap struck my face as I trailed off. Holding my cheek, I looked up to see Luke holding his hand up with tears in his eyes.

"Don't you dare." He whispered. "We may be twins, but you're still my little brother no matter what. I couldn't possibly imagine a life without you in it. Don't take that for granted."

"Luke, I'm sorry." I whispered, not wanting him to be mad at me. Luke chuckled humorlessly at my words.

"You're always apologizing, but you just end up doing the same things again and again. If you thought I was suffocating before, then you're really going to hate me now, Jai!" Luke promised. I gulped nervously. I've been suppressing the urge to cut for days now, so this was definitely not helping. I scratched at my wrists as I felt the familiar burn on my arms, telling me I needed to cut.

"I'm trying, Luke. I am. I forgot I had that. You need to believe me!" I started to scratch at my wrist harder, but Luke shot his hand out to stop me. His frown deepened and he raised an eyebrow at me.

"Let me ask you this, Jai. How badly do you really want to die?" Luke asked, causing me to choke on air. I couldn't answer that question. Luke just didn't realize how hard it was for me to want to live.

"So much that I don't know if it's even worth getting better." I admitted quietly. Luke's grip on my arm tightened as he yanked my sleeve up. I had to look away as all of my scars were put on display. They were disgusting, and I couldn't even look at them. I didn't want Luke to see them, but I knew there was no stopping him.

"How long have you self-harmed?" Luke asked genuinely curious.i bit my lip even harder at that question. I was 100% sure that Luke would hate my answer.

"Since we were 12 or 13. It's not really a big deal, Luke." I tried to brush it off like it wasn't a big deal, but the look on Luke's face told me that was impossible. His eyes were wide as he absorbed this newfound information.

"All this time and you couldn't come to me..." Luke murmured, clearly upset that I had kept this secret from him for so long.

"I didn't want to be a burden."

"You aren't a burden, Jai. You know I'd do anything for you." Luke's eyes were teary, and I regretted my next words before they even came out of my mouth.

"It started around the time we started to drift apart. It wasn't exactly easy to talk to you..."

"What? You mean the same time you were starving yourself?"

"I wasn't starving myself." I defended. "I was just too sad to eat. I was too sad to do anything. Don't blame yourself for that, Luke. I made my own decisions and they had nothing to do with you."

"I still feel like I should have been there."

"Don't. The past is the past. We can't change that."

~

Luke was serious about suffocating me. I didn't get a moment to myself until he fell asleep later that night, and even then I had to sleep in the same room as him. I was able to slip away, though, when he did fall asleep.

I made my way into my bathroom and curled up on the floor, appreciating the feeling of being alone. I tipped my head against the wall and let out a shaky breathe. I couldn't do this any longer. I needed to cut and take away some of the pain I was feeling inside.

My hands were shaking as I reached inside the cabinet and retrieved the blade I had hidden there. I rolled up my long sleeves and held my breathe as I pressed the blade against my wrist and put pressure against it. I drug the blade across my arm and immediately felt some of the tension fade. I had needed this so bad. More than I even knew. I repeated this process several times until I felt like I had enough. 

After I was finished, I glanced up and caught my reflection in the mirror. Somewhere along the way, I had started to cry. My face was splotchy and tear-stained as a few tears continued to trail down my face. This was me now. I was broken beyond repair and I had let down the people I cared about. I was right. I didn't deserve either of my brothers. I was just a mistake that continued to ruin their lives.


	21. Chapter 21

"Beau, you have to help me!" I begged my older brother. He immediately dropped his phone and have me his undivided attention. Things had been a little rocky at first, but the awkwardness was slowly starting to fade away.

"And what does my dear baby brother need help with?" Beau questioned, raising an eyebrow at me.

"Luke is smothering me!" I groaned before deciding to slightly stretch the truth. "He won't leave me alone for more than 5 minutes, because he thinks I'm going to kill myself and honestly that's only fueling my desire to die..."

"Okay, Jai. Just don't do anything you'll regret. I'll talk to Luke about it." Beau promised hurriedly. I felt slightly bad for manipulating him. Luke and my desire to die didn't go hand in hand. I wanted to die, that was true. Luke suffocating me, however, neither fueled or lessened that desire. It was just hard to cut with him around, and cutting was something I needed in order to live.

To be honest, my anxiety had been acting up a lot more the last few days. It probably had something to do with Luke never leaving me alone. I was really starting to need my space, but he just didn't want to give me that.

As soon as Beau left the room, I slipped outside of the house. I was suffocating. While I'm not as introverted as Luke, I am a little more shy than him. I try to be outgoing, but honestly I'm just bad with people.

I felt like things were never going to return to normal. I had ruined my happiness as well as the happiness of the people closest to me. Luckily, my mum is still on her business trip so I haven't had to deal with her yet.

I made my way to a little lake near our house and sat down on the back next to it. There was something calming about just staring at the water. I wasn't really sure why it calmed me down, it just did. 

I was broken from my serenity by my phone ringing. Glancing down at the screen, I was shocked to find the last person I expected calling me.

Olivia.

"What do you want?" I snapped as I answered my phone. This was the girl who had used me and broken me at the same time. Not only that, but she had exposed my darkest secret to all of my fans on Twitter. What could she possibly want now?

"Aww! Jai-Jai, is that any way to talk to someone that has done so much for you? I honestly thought we were friends!" Olivia chuckled. I was screaming internally. I couldn't fall for her tricks this time. She just wanted to get to Luke. 

"I owe you nothing. You tweeted a secret that wasn't yours to tell. You even got your mother in on it. You're lucky I'm not taking Luke's advice and suing her." I spoke confidently, but on the inside I was screaming. She had no right to even be calling me. 

"Do what you want. Just know that I always get my way in the end. Just play along, Jaidon. Your life is about to be absolutely ruined." 

After saying that, the line clicked dead. I shouldn't have even answered my phone. I knew it was her, and I knew she was just trying to get inside my head so she could somehow get to Luke.

I let out a frustrated sigh as I stared down at the water. Life wasn't getting any better and there was a lake literally right in front of me. It would be so easy just to drown myself right here and right now. I doubted anyone would actually miss me. I was only causing my family grief, so maybe I did need to end it. 

As I started to take a step into the water, I felt arms wrapping around my waist and pulling back. I didn't try to fight it. I was just so broken a and didn't know what to do anymore. 

"What we're you trying to do, Jai?!" Luke screamed in my face as Beau checked me over for any bruises. "Is it really that hard to try to stay alive for one day?!"

"I wasn't thinking." I stated, not wanting to get into another argument with him. 

"Of course you weren't!" Luke threw his hands up into the air in frustration. As I waited for Luke to start yelling at me again, Beau decided to speak up. 

"Why? Why did you try to do it, Jai?" Beau asked calmly as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. 

"Someone called me and I was just so upset after that...I didn't think..." I trailed off, not wanting to say too much in case one of them got angry with me again. 

"Who called you?" Luke asked, starting to put everything together in his head. 

"I think you already know."

"Well, maybe I want you to tell me for sure."

"Well, maybe I don't want to tell you!"

"Boys!" Beau yelled, interrupting our banter. "I'm confused. Who called you?"

"Olivia, assuming I'm right." Luke smiled smugly at me. 

"He's right." I whispered. I wish he wasn't right, but of course he was. 

"Wait, Olivia called and you talked to her?!" Beau asked. 

"Regrettably, yes. It's not that big of a deal."

"Tell that to the lake!" Luke argued. "What did she say to you?"

"Nothing important. I was just being stupid like usual!"


	22. Chapter 22

I had another appointment with Sonya today, and I honestly was not looking forward to it at all. Things had grown tense between Luke and I again after I had tried to drown myself. I couldn't blame him for being mad at me. I knew it must hurt really bad to have your own twin brother attempt suicide twice in such a short span of time.

When Luke and I walked into Sonya's office, she raised an eyebrow at us. It was extremely obvious that we had been fighting. 

"Okay then." Sonya started out. "I'm sensing a little tension. Which one of you wants to tell me how the week went?"

"Jai tried to drown himself." Luke blurted out, clenching his fists in anger. Oh yeah, I could tell his short temper was wearing thin. 

"I see. And when did this happen." Sonya asked.

"A few days ago." Luke supplied while I sat there glaring daggers at his face.

"Jai, do you have anything you'd like to say to Luke about this?" She asked.

"You should have let he just die." I replied without any hesitation.

"Stop saying that!" Luke screamed. 

"Luke!" Sonya scolded harshly. "There will be no yelling in this room. Jai is free to say what he's feeling even if you don't necessarily like it."

"I'm miserable, Luke. Can't you see my that?" I whispered. 

"I don't understand!" Luke groaned. "You were doing so much better then all at once you try to kill yourself again. Why? I thought we were accomplishing something."

"Did something happen, Jai?" Sonya asked, knowingly.

"Yes. Okay, yes something happened." I groaned in defeat. "I got a phone call from someone that shattered me even more than she already has."

"Yet, he refuses to tell me what she said to him." Like scoffed. 

"It really isn't a big deal!" I sighed.

"It's not a big deal? I was the one that had to pull you out of the lake."

"Jai, have you ever wondered how Luke would feel if you died?" Sonya interrupted our argument. 

"He'd probably be happy because he'd finally be the only twin." I spat, glaring at Luke.

"Why don't we try this: how would you feel if Luke killed himself, Jai?" Sonya reworded her question.

"I don't know." I looked away. I couldn't take the way Luke was looking at me. 

"I think you know." Sonya insisted, giving me a reassuring nod.

"I...I'd be angry. And I would be heartbroken too. My twin brother means the world to me. He's my best friend even when I hate him. Honestly, if Luke killed himself, I would follow without any hesitation."

"Jai, look at me." Luke ordered after I finished talking. I shook my head. What i said was embarrassing and I didn't want Luke to tease me about it. "Come on, Jai. Please look at me."

"There, happy now?" I laced my voice with venom as I looked up at his face. 

"Yes, because I need you to know that what you just said is almost exactly the way I feel."Luke smiled and hugged me.

"Really?" I asked. "Even when you get sick of listening to my voice?"

"I'm sorry Jai." Luke apologized, biting his lip. "But I have a really short temper that I can't always control. I never mean the things I say to you when I do lose my temper, though."

"It's okay. Someone has to be your personal punching bag." I smiled sarcastically at him.

-

"How was therapy?" Beau asked as Luke and I climbed in his car to go home.

"Same as always." Luke ground out unhappily.

"Beau can you stop at that art store I used to go to all of the time?" I asked out of nowhere.

"Yeah, Jai, of course." Beau blinked in surprise. It's been a long time since I did anything artistic. I've been distracted and I wanted to change that. Art had always been a way for me to escape reality, so maybe it could help me escape my thoughts as well.

"I shouldn't be long." I promised my brothers as I jumped out of the car. I loved this store when I was younger. I used to spend all of my money here without any regrets. As I walked down the isles I saw all sorts of things that I could use, but nothing really stood out like I wanted it to. 

Finally, I turned down one isle and saw what I was looking for. Sketchbooks were everywhere, but it was what was next to those sketchbooks that really caught my attention. Smiling a genuine smile I picked up the items I wanted and went to the checkout. I think that getting back into art would help a lot.

In fact, I still had a goofy grin on my face as I walked back to the car. I ignored the looks my brothers gave each other as I sat in the car, clutching my bag tightly. 

"Okay, dude. You walk into an art store and come out smiling like a creep?" Luke chuckled.

"Shut up Luke!" I playfully yelled. "At least I'm not madly in love with a camera!"


	23. Chapter 23

It had been a couple of months since the day I had Beau drive me to the art store. After that day of therapy, I realized something. I realized that my brothers needed me whether they realized it or not. 

Sonya was right to ask me how I would feel if Luke killed himself. That question really put things into perspective for me. If Luke died, I don't think I would be able to go on. It was that moment that I realized that I needed to live. If not for myself then for my brothers. That's where the art came in. 

At first, Beau and Luke were left very confused. I practically immersed myself in my art and even forgot to eat on a regular basis during the first week. That practically have Luke a heart attack. My eating habits were already bad enough without that distraction. In fact, Luke took it upon himself to force me to eat. 

My relationship with both of my brothers is still a little shaky at best, but it's definitely improving. Before, when I was constantly telling them I wanted to die, they could barely look at me. That was my fault, though. It must have been extremely painful to hear me say that day after day. 

My art provided a distraction for those suicidal thoughts. It gave me an outlet I truly needed. The pain wasn't going to just go away, and honestly I don't think it ever will. But, art lets me tear my focus away from those things so I don't let them consume me again.

So far it was working. I could only hope that things could stay that way. 

-

"Whatcha doing, Jai-Jai?" Luke asked, taking a seat on the floor next to me. I was currently using the one thing that stood out to me in the art store. 

Charcoal. 

It might have seemed like something simple, but to me it represented something so much more than that. Charcoal had a dark quality to it, and when it was misused it could completely devastate a drawing. However, when it was used the right way, it created something beautiful. Something that had an edge to it and practically turned the work of art into a window peering into the artist's soul. 

It was a powerful tool, and I could only hope that it could effect me as well. 

"Don't really know yet. When you draw, it's better not to plan something out. Your work is better if you just go with the flow and let your tools do all of the work." I answered. 

"That was deep..." Luke stated, giving me a strange look. 

"Yeah well...I relapsed last night. Relapsing does strange things to my brain." I replied, nervously. 

"Relapses happen, Jai." Luke squeezed my shoulder in a form of comfort. "The main thing is that you went longer without doing it, and eventually you'll be able to stop altogether. I'm proud of you Jai. I know it takes a lot for you to tell me these things."

"Thanks, Luke." I shot my twin a small smile. We lapsed into a comfortable silence and I almost didn't want to break it. "Hey Luke?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you remember all of those times I told you I hated you and that I wanted to die?" I asked, squeezing my eyes shut. 

"Don't worry about that, Jai. It's not s big deal." Luke's voice was tight, signaling that to him it was a huge deal. He not only saved me from two suicide attempts, but he also had to go to therapy with me. I knew that everything I said during that time hurt him deeply. 

"I need to say this, Luke. Please!" I begged slightly. Luke glanced at me and slowly nodded his head. 

"I just want you to know that I'm sorry for everything and that I never meant any of the horrible things I said to you."

"Jai I-" Luke started to say, but I cut him off. 

"No, just listen to me! You didn't deserve any of that, Luke. So that's why I'm so thankful that you never gave up on me. You never gave up even when you should have. So thanks, Luke."

"Jai, I could never give up on you!" Luke promised, pulling me in for a hug. 

"You'll never know how much that means or how much your support really saved my life."

And that was true. Luke was there for the bad times when I felt like giving up, but now, hopefully, he was going to be there for the good times where we would look back on this moment with a smile and have absolutely no regrets about out decisions from when I had zero hope. 

It's safe to say that time would be here sooner than we thought. 

-End-


End file.
